Who am I? Denying and discovering racial identity

[THX1138]

Who am I? Denying and discovering racial identity
by Karin Lin, ARP guest contributor

“How do you pass on your ethnic heritage to your children when you grew up in an immigrant household focusing 100 percent of your energy on making yourself as mainstream American as possible?”

This was the question posed in a recent New York Times article and one that, as a second-generation Asian married to a Caucasian, I struggle with frequently.

I grew up in a university town in Kansas as the only child of Taiwanese immigrants. Assimilation was a matter of survival, and I learned from an early age that my acceptance depended on my ability to act as white as possible. I denied my race and ethnicity whenever I could, even to the point of repeating playground taunts like, “Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these!” without realizing that they were directed at me and my few fellow Asians.

Trying to be white was not as difficult for me as it might have been for some. I was “blessed” with fair skin, a double eyelid, a Western first name, and the ability to speak unaccented English. When my classmates would ask me to teach them words of Mandarin or Taiwanese, I demurred, not wanting to call attention to the fact that I and my parents spoke such an “exotic” language. I tried, and mostly succeeded, to convince myself that I was just like my white friends.

Though I didn’t fully understand it as a child, I also developed a perverse self-hatred of myself and my race, absorbing the message that my ethnicity was a burden and that my social acceptance was a fragile gift that could be revoked at any time. When a sixth-grade classmate and friend, in a jealous snit that I’d been chosen for a nationwide talent search, remarked, “No offense, but you and Brian [a fellow Taiwanese-American] don’t really belong here”, I nodded—yes, nodded! I didn’t really belong here, but if I was unobtrusive and tried as hard as I could to be like everyone else, maybe they’d let me stay.

In adolescence, I was inevitably attracted to white guys. When the interest wasn’t reciprocated, I had to wonder if I was being rejected for my person or my race—but I didn’t dwell on the idea too long, because it was too hard to accept that there might be something about myself that was anathema to my romantic life, something that I couldn’t change no matter how desperately I wanted to. There were men, too, who were attracted to me because I was Asian, but I didn’t dwell on that, either. I took what I could get.

By the time I got to college, my “act white and admit to being Asian only when absolutely necessary” mentality was ingrained. Even at MIT, with its huge percentage of Asian students. I had no use for, and was somewhat baffled by, the multitude of Asian religious and cultural groups around campus. When my new (white) boyfriend revealed me to his mother and she grumbled, “Well, at least she’s not black,” I didn’t see the blatant racism in her remark; my only response was relief. Yes, thank goodness I wasn’t black; I was “only” Asian. I was close enough to white to be acceptable.

Eventually I married a different white man, and we had two beautiful daughters. In the back of my mind it nagged at me a little that they would end up more white than I am—I feared my Asian heritage would be diluted into nonexistence within a few generations—but I didn’t think there was anything I could do about it.

Then, a little over a year ago, I was introduced to the anti-racism movement, and my world changed completely.

For the first time ever, I understood why I’d been trying my whole life to be something I wasn’t. Why would I want to be Asian when all around me were images of white beauty and white power? Why would I honor my ethnic heritage when all the heroes of my English books and history books were white? The problem wasn’t me. This realization was accompanied by anger, relief, and determination. I immersed myself in the writings of minority and anti-racist authors. I read Paul Kivel’s Uprooting Racism and Beverly Daniel Tatum’s Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? I devoured Phoebe Eng’s Warrior Lessons and Frank Wu’s Yellow: Race In America Beyond Black and White. I had a new world view that was tremendously empowering because it gave me a reason to value myself for who I was, not for my degree of success in pretending to be white.

I feel very fortunate that I came into this understanding early enough in my life for it to positively affect my daughters’ identities. Because I can now embrace my Taiwanese heritage, they will learn to do the same. They won’t have to look in the mirror and hate what they see, or be embarrassed to speak another language with their grandparents. They will have books with pictures of kids who look like them and learn that people of all colors made great contributions to history.

As for the original question posed at the beginning of this column, it is hard to pass on my ethnic heritage to my children when I spent the first thirty years of my life trying to deny it. It feels a little contrived to be learning Taiwanese history now from books, and to be studying Mandarin formally instead of having learned it all as a child. But I’m in what Tatum calls the “immersion/emersion” stage of racial identity development, and I hope my daughters are reaping the benefits. We’re lucky to live in the San Francisco Bay Area where there are many Asians. I’ve joined the Asian/Pacific Islander identity group within my mostly white church and an organization for Taiwanese American professionals. There’s even a Taiwanese American center less than five miles from my home where the girls take Mandarin and Taiwanese lessons once a week, and where my family has been warmly embraced by the mostly first-generation community.

And we’re all going back to Taiwan next month—for me, it will be the first time in eleven years. I can’t wait.


Karin Lin is a Silicon Valley software engineer and mom to two girls, ages 5 and 3. She is an anti-racist activist within the Unitarian Universalist church, an amateur classical violinist, and a language lover. Karin resides in the East San Francisco Bay with her family.

http://www.antiracistparent.com/2008...cial-identity/

[awong]

the same cliche over and over again...

[jaehwan]

Thanks for the article.

I don't buy it. At all. She's 31 years old, about the same age as most of the people on this board, younger than quite a few, including me and THX. She went to MIT which has been super-Asian for the longest time, and now she lives in Silicon Valley, which has also been super-Asian for a long time. And yet only last year she was awoken? After a white husband, two kids, and thirty years of living?

I just don't buy it. I think it's a form of bad faith. Minorities in this country get props for ethnicizing themselves, but quite a few of them ethnicize themselves without confronting reality. It's easy (and popular) to just complain while reaping the benefits of white association, without taking any steps to fix society or even understand society.

I think I've just read too many of these "discovery" pieces. Too much fluff talk. It's just a convenient way for a lot of people to justify their choices in life.

[Heyyu]

Well she did grow up in Kansas, so I can see how she came out of it a little screwed up in the head.

I do believe there's a big demographic difference between the Asians that grew up in more small rural America like Kansas, and the Asians that grew up in the larger, more diverse (and Asian) metropolitan areas like NYC, California, etc.

[S-Dynamo]

Yes we're all so proud that you we're another easily brainwashed sheep, and now you wrote an article another generic asian website site to seek redemption for your ways, so happy. I'm just so happy your two white children won't have to go through the struggles your skin color put you through.

[wuwei]

LMAO, software engineer. What a nerdy bitch. She is probably fat.

[Flipsoul]

Apologies in Advance, that this post probably will stray in and out of the topic.

Cliche, Yes.
But quite honestly the story of one Asian American Female, that still none-the-less needs to be told. [and I think it is quite the unfinished story]

I feel like she is writing to show that finally, at least now, that she's happy with herself. But I still wouldn't mind talking to her to challenge her beliefs. I would try to make her think about why she's happy with where she is now, and what she could do to make herself even more satisfied with her identity.

And if she wrote this piece to let people know that this is one way you can be happy with your life, then I would challenge her to explore the identity of others and how much more complex it really means to identify as an Asian American.

I believe that the Asian American identity often starts with a story like this. [I think it's cliche because its true, not because its over-done and people are looking for attention] And can further move on to something greater after. And it's no good if we bash on her, because then - even if she won't ever see what we write - she'll probably never become open to us, and what we're working for. Like we're cutting her off because we think she's wrong. Or we're cutting her off because maybe, she just hasn't gotten to the point of realization that we're at. [Assuming, that we've all went through the same process. Again, depends on the person...and I digress] And don't forget all the people that may very well identify with her, as they'll recieve the same message.

If at all we want the AA movement to revive, why must we bash on our kin? Instead, could we be an mentor and continue to challenge them to become something better, something greater? Could we take them and make them want to fight with us instead of pushing them away?

I have trouble understanding, why we bash these people. I know that if I was, I'd feel like I was telling many of my friends, and family that what they're doing is completely wrong. If I did that, I'd be ashamed of myself.

It is my belief that today, we need to build our community. I feel like the youth that are coming of age have no clue about the entire dynamic of the AA community. Reacting to little but a single-event [ie. In Solidarity Movement http://www.in-solidarity.com/ in reaction to Max Carson's article last February at CU-Boulders school newspaper] And not realizing the need for something greater, that can become a force of action at any such case. Something greater to help us all understand who we are.

So anyways, maybe we should build with this Karin Lin. Lets all flood her inbox with messages to start to read whats on the fighting44s. xD [hopefully, she won't post quite yet]

But really, I feel like they're the basic building blocks of our community. If we disrespect them, our foundation is long from sturdy. So hopefully, we'll all stop using our shovels to bash. And we call all do something productive.
Let's Build.

...I digress. I'll leave my dreaming to another time.

Originally Posted by jaehwan

I think I've just read too many of these "discovery" pieces. Too much fluff talk. It's just a convenient way for a lot of people to justify their choices in life.

I felt that exact same way reading this. But hey, she's happy. Isn't that we all want? Isn't that exactly why we're here: to work at something to make us happy with the world we're in? Again, I think that we need to continue to challenge these people.

Originally Posted by S-Dynamo

I'm just so happy your two white children won't have to go through the struggles your skin color put you through.

I'd be careful to say this. I'd be even more careful to say this to anyone that is of mixed race.

1.) She claims to have fair skin. Typically, this means she's basically got white skin. So, I'm not quite sure it was her skin color is what put her through this.

2.) Imagine being of mixed race. [For lack of better terms that I can think of at the moment...Mixed Heritage? I personally don't like the connotations of "heritage"]
Take this example of someone who could be of Chinese/white blood:
You're held to the standard by many of the Chinese community: You need to speak Mandarin/Cantonese/Dijou/Other, You need to listen to certain music, you need to attend such and such. but at the same time, anything that you do that comes from you're other half can be thrown at you at any moment. You may take this with in several ways, one of which: Half of you is outkast. That half of you is not good enough for the chinese people.
You're held to the standard of the white community, music, privilige. [Sorry, I can't say too much more without being...mean?] All this just the same. From the music that you know from your childhood. To the foods you eat, to the sports you grew up with. If any of these is any bit different from the common white culture, its because you're "Asian". No -- it's because you're different.

So, where would you fit in? Which community do you fit in with best? Which community truely represents you? Or do you live with no real community, no place that you know accepts you as a whole?

Being of mixed race can be extremely complex. And what I wrote above probably only applies to a few of them. I wouldn't know for sure, I'm "purebred" - as my highschool teacher once said [To point out that most Americans have no real reason to have the connection to a land far away that many Asians do here in America] I'd love to see someone who of mixed...backgrounds to chime in for me - not to say that they may and/or may not be an expert on all of such peoples lives. I don't mean to categorize them as something different, But I know that they very well may go through a different experience.

Edit: Oh look, a thread called "Defining Mixed-Race Identity"

Again, I digress from dreaming...

I fear for the people that we turn away from us with all the hate... I've always believed to accept everyone, to work for each and every individual, because that they just just be the one - the one we need to make every bit difference.

To think that this thread would make me write so much. But its probably because I get so off-topic... Again. Sorry!

[S-Dynamo]

Originally Posted by Flipsoul

[i]
I'd be careful to say this. I'd be even more careful to say this to anyone that is of mixed race.

1.) She claims to have fair skin. Typically, this means she's basically got white skin. So, I'm not quite sure it was her skin color is what put her through this.

2.) Imagine being of mixed race. [For lack of better terms that I can think of at the moment...Mixed Heritage? I personally don't like the connotations of "heritage"]
Take this example of someone who could be of Chinese/white blood:
You're held to the standard by many of the Chinese community: You need to speak Mandarin/Cantonese/Dijou/Other, You need to listen to certain music, you need to attend such and such. but at the same time, anything that you do that comes from you're other half can be thrown at you at any moment. You may take this with in several ways, one of which: Half of you is outkast. That half of you is not good enough for the chinese people.
You're held to the standard of the white community, music, privilige. [Sorry, I can't say too much more without being...mean?] All this just the same. From the music that you know from your childhood. To the foods you eat, to the sports you grew up with. If any of these is any bit different from the common white culture, its because you're "Asian". No -- it's because you're different.

So, where would you fit in? Which community do you fit in with best? Which community truely represents you? Or do you live with no real community, no place that you know accepts you as a whole?

Being of mixed race can be extremely complex. And what I wrote above probably only applies to a few of them. I wouldn't know for sure, I'm "purebred" - as my highschool teacher once said [To point out that most Americans have no real reason to have the connection to a land far away that many Asians do here in America] I'd love to see someone who of mixed...backgrounds to chime in for me - not to say that they may and/or may not be an expert on all of such peoples lives. I don't mean to categorize them as something different, But I know that they very well may go through a different experience.

Number 2 is very easy to answer, if your excessively white looking then take the Keanue Reeves route, if your excessively Asian looking then take the Daniel Henney route.

The mixed kid is gonna be part of his community that is enviorment, if he grows up in a white neighborhood he will try to be white. Most likely he will completely ignore the part of his identity that is hindering his social success until of course it is convinent for him to be part whatever he is.

You know what, none of it's premeditated, this article is premeditated, what I just describes happens naturally, no internal conversation, no mental struggle, just doing what that person has to do, to survive and flourish.

[jaehwan]

Originally Posted by Flipsoul

[I felt that exact same way reading this. But hey, she's happy. Isn't that we all want? Isn't that exactly why we're here: to work at something to make us happy with the world we're in? Again, I think that we need to continue to challenge these people.

Well, we all want to be happy. But the question is at what price does that happiness takes place, and how do we deal with people who use excuses to justify their choices in life. At the end, of course, we let them live as they want, but it still doesn't free them from criticism (nor should they want to be freed from criticism) when they publicly write something like this. If someone says, "I'm happy living in bad faith," we will of course let them be, but it's also fair to challenge them, especially when their public writings influence the dialogue on Asian American issues.

To me, it's the difference between reading a New York Times Op-Ed and reading a stream of consciousness; one is society directed, while the other is personally directed.

This is one of those topics that often goes in circles. I think it's time for another podcast/teleconference on this topic. Would you be up for it? We did a teleconference last time, and it was very successful; THX and I blogged about it here (actually he wrote about it, and I just copied!). If you're interested, I'll front page it and we'll see who we can bring in. Xian might be in.

[mungbeansoup]

So basically...she's STILL confused about her identity. She might require a lifetime of therapy.