Your parents and dating

[CJF]

What age did your parents first let or suggest for you to date?

[Scowl]

I'm still waiting for permission. I need to be married before they'll let me date.

[Ike]

What age did your parents first let or suggest for you to date?

Mine suggested that I finish grad school before dating. That would put me at 25 conventionally. With my scholastic ability, that puts me at never.

[AZN MAN]

11 yrs old

[nskripchun]

^hahaha.

My parents never talked about dating. They just assumed I'd find a girl, somehow.

I was told that if I ever brought home a girl pregnant, I'd be beaten and disowned. Especially if she wasn't Chinese or Asian or white.

[RebelAzn]

Yeah most Asian parents expect their kids to date after graduate school. Mine was no different. However, I started dating when I was 16. I had little girlfriends that liked me when I was 12 but I am not sure that counted.

[little mixed girl]

when i was 18.
boys distract you from getting into a good university, if you didn't know.

[CJF]

My mom doesn't want me to date until I'm done with my four year degree. Same with all my other friends with Cantonese moms. Fucking ridiculous.

It gets demoralizing seeing your other colleagues and even adversaries getting into the game. I have great grades and all, but this part of my life is non-existent (besides a few summer loves), and it just makes me feel incompetent. I mean, I'm twenty fucking one years old, and haven't ever had a real gf.

Sure I can lie and hide relationships, but that never works out (which is attested to those few short relationships)

I'm just wondering if any of you guys have this experience or know of others whose families put them in this type of situation.

Anyways, sorry for the rant. I'm just feeling down.

[ellencho]

No, you're not dating because you're probably not mature enough for a relationship anyway. Don't hide behind your mom's rules as an excuse for your lack of a girlfriend.

[CJF]

I've had 2 gf's before, but in the end of the day what girl wants to be in some secret relationship? It never works out. My friend in a similar situation doesn't do it all together.

You don't know me, so don't assume things. I know it's easy for you girls to assume that Asian guys are 'immature'. I'm not going to let you pull that card out.

[ellencho]

If you're as mature as you seem to think you are, then quit using your mom as an excuse, and take some responsibility for your own behavior and actions. Your mom is not the sole reason why you haven't had any successful relationships.

If you don't want to be considered immature and if you want a girlfriend so badly, grow some balls and find yourself a healthy loving relationship on your own. Don't wait for your mother's permission.

[jaehwan]

CJF:

I read this awesome quote in business somewhere. It said, "Don't ask for permission. Ask for forgiveness." In other words, just do it and worry about what your boss/mother says later. In this case though, there's nothing to forgive. So ignore the last part of the quote and just do it.

[minbo]

The quote is "It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission" and is attributed to Rear Admiral Grace Hopper, who won the first "man of the year" award from Data Processing Management Association in 1969. You would think that when they decided to give their first ever "Man of the Year" award to a woman, they would have re-thought the name of the award. Alas, just some 30 short years ago society still had so many blinders on....

[tokyolovestory]

CJF, what, exactly, is your mother going to do to you if you date against her wishes? Is she going to beat you? Is she going to disown you? So which is the lesser of two evils: her disapproval or your own despair about how your life is looking right now?

[Senkeh]

CJF, what, exactly, is your mother going to do to you if you date against her wishes? Is she going to beat you? Is she going to disown you? So which is the lesser of two evils: her disapproval or your own despair about how your life is looking right now?

And I think that this is the exact point which frustrates a lot of people (male and female): what will your parents do to you? If they're not paying your bills, if you've got your own place, and you're at least in your twenties, then it's time to realize that a parent's wrath is just sound and fury signifying nothing.

In the end, they all get over it. Especially if you stand up to them every single time. Remember: you're not doing anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with a young guy dating. As long the relationship isn't abusive and wrecking every other aspect of your life, your parents don't get to say anything except how happy they are that you're happy, and how good it is that you've found someone who treats you well, regardless of race, body size, fashion sense, or whatever idiot reason some parents like to come up with.

[Candide]

CJF, your mum is treating you as a kid because you're behaving like one. Have an adult talk with her and show her that you can handle both dating and college. I'm assuming that she's paying for everything. Right?

You're young and it's perfect for you now to get some experience with dating & women, because later on when you actually have a serious career and get older, there's not a lot of room & time for experimenting & learning.

[kimtae]

CJF, don't pull that bullshit with Ellen. She's just laying it down like it is. A real man will respect his mother, but maybe not her wishes. If you can't get the balls to go beyond her dictum, then you are too immature for dating.

[CJF]

CJF, your mum is treating you as a kid because you're behaving like one. Have an adult talk with her and show her that you can handle both dating and college. I'm assuming that she's paying for everything. Right?

You're young and it's perfect for you now to get some experience with dating & women, because later on when you actually have a serious career and get older, there's not a lot of room & time for experimenting & learning.
The government and my scholarships are paying for everything. I actually use some financial aid money I get to buy things for the house.

I've had those talks and she won't budge. Simply points her friend's other kids, where they are not dating until career either. They're mature as anybody, and they still can't date either.

[CJF]

CJF, what, exactly, is your mother going to do to you if you date against her wishes? Is she going to beat you? Is she going to disown you? So which is the lesser of two evils: her disapproval or your own despair about how your life is looking right now?

Worst case scenario is I do whatever I want in 1 year with another year being frustrated. My parents said my curfews would disappear when I'm 16, and they did. My parents said I can drink when I'm 21, and I have beers in the fridge now. So worst case scenario is I start dating when I'm 22.

Or

Choose to do it now and have bad relations for a year.

[Candide]

A real man will respect his mother, but maybe not her wishes.

Hah, that reminds me of a talk I had with my mother last year. She said she's happy that I listened to her teaching & advices and she knew that although it didn't seem like I was taking it all in at the time, I gave them serious thoughts. Then she asked if what she taught me have helped me much.

I took that chance to break the news to her. I said: "Mum, I paid attention because I respect you, but I'm sorry to say that I've rarely followed your advices and I think I've done well precisely because of that." :p

I think she still loves me. :o

The one thing that she specifically told me not to do in dating was to never get with older women because they can be very controlling and calculating blah blah blah. I somehow ended up having a clear preference for older women. "My age or older" was my policy at one stage.

[Candide]

The government and my scholarships are paying for everything. I actually use some financial aid money I get to buy things for the house.


Why the hell are you under your mum's thumb then?

If you have a job, move out of her house. She won't have such influence in your personal life anymore.


I've had those talks and she won't budge. Simply points her friend's other kids, where they are not dating until career either. They're mature as anybody, and they still can't date either.

Those kids aren't mature. They are robots programmed by their parents.

Reasoning with your parents is a waste of time. "It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission", as pointed out earlier.

It's your life, mate. Live it the way you want to. If your parents don't like it, too bad.

[jaehwan]

The quote is "It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission" and is attributed to Rear Admiral Grace Hopper, who won the first "man of the year" award from Data Processing Management Association in 1969. You would think that when they decided to give their first ever "Man of the Year" award to a woman, they would have re-thought the name of the award. Alas, just some 30 short years ago society still had so many blinders on....

I never knew that, and it's a brilliant quote. Thanks.


You're young and it's perfect for you now to get some experience with dating & women, because later on when you actually have a serious career and get older, there's not a lot of room & time for experimenting & learning.

It'll be harder to meet women too. Dating in college, when you spend most of your time in class, is fairly risk free. Dating when you're working, when you spend most of your time at work, is rife with politics and other problems.

[Senkeh]

Hah, that reminds me of a talk I had with my mother last year. She said she's happy that I listened to her teaching & advices and she knew that although it didn't seem like I was taking it all in at the time, I gave them serious thoughts. Then she asked if what she taught me have helped me much.

I took that chance to break the news to her. I said: "Mum, I paid attention because I respect you, but I'm sorry to say that I've rarely followed your advices and I think I've done well precisely because of that." :p


Beautifully stated. One of the main reasons my life doesn't suck is that I didn't follow every single piece of advice (or criticism masquerading as advice) force-fed to me.

[bill]

Its only taken the best part of 20 years for me to learn that, truth is they are clueless and just want to control you for some weird reason. If you don't date til after uni then they start moaning about how you haven't found a girl(which should be obvious) - they will be more happier at the end of the day to see you get on with your own life by not obeying them like robots(even if you does cause them grief initially). Afterall you've got to live with your decisions not them...

[AZN MAN]

I find this thread fascinating because my Mother was so different than virtually all of the other posters on this thread.

My Mother's rule at 11 yrs old was that I could hang out with a classmate named Tina but please don't kiss her. Like I followed that advice ...

My Mother actually bought gifts for me to give to the girls I was dating. An example was one time she bought a necklace for me to give to my GF when I was 16 yrs old.

Are there any other posters here that had a Mother (Or Father) like this, or was I just fortunate to have a liberal Mother?

[aznbutterfly123]

Some of you are kind of pathetic. You blame problems on your parents when you know full well you are a grown adult who can make adult decisions. Don't blame others for what you don't have the balls to do: stand up.

[deezL]

I find this thread fascinating because my Mother was so different than virtually all of the other posters on this thread.

My Mother's rule at 11 yrs old was that I could hang out with a classmate named Tina but please don't kiss her. Like I followed that advice ...

My Mother actually bought gifts for me to give to the girls I was dating. An example was one time she bought a necklace for me to give to my GF when I was 16 yrs old.

Are there any other posters here that had a Mother (Or Father) like this, or was I just fortunate to have a liberal Mother?


That's cute. I'm not sure if my mom did that for my brother's gfs but she is pretty liberal. Though at one point she told me I could date when I'm 21, as long as I make sure I don't stay over their house. Heh...I don't think she really expected me to listen to any of that.