Getting back in touch with my Asian roots

[Vahz]

Long story short, I've pretty much been hanging around with non-Asians after I left my high school which happened to be about 45% Asian.

All throughout college and my young professional life, I've been hanging out with non-Asians. Now that I'm in my mid to late 20s, I'm looking to get back in touch with my Asian side and try to make friends with other Asian Americans.

This all started when I visited Asia for the first time after 17 years and found a renewed sense of identity of who I am and want to be. I've always found Asian girls to be just as attractive as any other and have dated them in high school. However, in college, I've only been messing around with white and Latinas. After I came back from my visit, I looked inside myself and found Asian women to be even more attractive than ever before and wish to start mingling with more of them. I was pretty passive about displaying reverence for my Asian background in the past for fear of being mocked so my reasons for dating them was based purely on looks and personality but now there is also a cultural aspect to my attraction. It's just something that non-Asian women can't provide me.

Looking back, I've also noticed that I didn't treat my Asian girlfriends as well as I should have because I was afraid that being with them might make me look less "American." Now, I could give a damn if anyone else thinks I'm American or not.

However, I've been discouraged by several reasons. The biggest two are 1.) how do I start making more Asian friends when I'm constantly surrounded by a white corporate landscape 2.) how do I explain my desire to hang out with more Asians without offending my non-Asian friends and 3.) all this browsing around the internet researching interracial dating articles have me depressed due to the constant quotes from Asian women that they don't find Asian men attractive or how many Asian men have cited that they know quite a few Asian women that think that way as well. If every Asian male knows a couple of these women, wouldn't they comprise a large segment of the population? I've noticed that several different sites have pretty much agreed that it seems 20% of Asian women only date white men, 50% date anyone, and 30% only date Asians. Though that gives me a 80% advantage; I'm not going to lie, it has been demoralizing me to read these stories. Many have told me not to bother with these stories but I've always listened to others' tales to know what to expect down the road. I always try to learn from other peoples' experiences. It's so bad that I've been thinking of just giving up and going back to white, Latin, and black women.

I actually want to see if more Asian women can respond to this but I also wanted to gauge the reactions of Asian men here.

[kimtae]

Getting in touch with your roots or sudenly wanting to tap some Asian booty? Just say it the way it is.
And don't go to any special lengths, you're only an asshat if you're disingenuous. Being more in touch with your Asian side isn't a cloak you can put on when you decide it's too white outside, it's just who you are.

[Vetrean]

Why does getting back in touch with your Asianness have anything to do with whether or not you date an Asian?

It just seems sort of like a reverse-sort of racism to me, and further justification for Asiaphilia; if you want to be Asian, date an Asian. :\ Or that if you are Asian, dating Asians to be more Asian is best.

It doesn't make sense. I mean, I understand wanting more Asian friends, but I don't see why dating an Asian should really be that big a deal.

Then again, I'm 14 and I've never had a girlfriend in my life, so what do I know about that kind of stuff?

[RebelAzn]

Ok I am glad you are growing up. I went through this stage too but I outgrew up now. Being in CA helps.

All I got to say is thank god I did not read all those comments etc. on the Internet when I was growing up. I probably now know more about racial dynamics than I ever care for.

When I was growing up, I have no clue about racial dynamics or how I was being perceived as an Asian man. I have no idea about any of the interracial issues facing Asian men. Basically, I was ignorant. I was always confident of myself when I was younger through martial arts, weight training and sports. I was always the most outgoing male among all of my white friends. When we went to a bar, even though most of time I was the only Asian in the bar among all white people, I am usually the one who brings white girls over to talk to my other white friends. I was fearless in my younger days and would hit on women left and right. There are more than several occasions that I got more than 5 or 6 phone numbers in one outing.

What I am trying to say here? Well I got all my training dating by hitting on white women. When I got to CA after I got to Asia to re-discover my root, I apply my dating "skills" to Asian women. I got pretty much the same result. I was hooking up left and right. Believe it or not, these skills work on any type of women. My brothers do the same and they were hooking up left and right too. Did I only run into Asian women that only date white men? Sure I did and I ran into white women that only date white men too. But I also ran into white women, black women and latino women that are into Asian men.

What is the whole point of this? The whole point is you just got to play the game. It is a numbers game as they tell you in sales. Learn to communicate with women. You can meet them anywhere and I literally mean anywhere. I have picked up girls in the gym, supermarket, walking on the street and at bars. In fact, I don't even like at bars cause I think it is truly the worst place. You will get rejected but move on to the next. I always had dates since I was like 16. In some funny sort of way I was ignorant of all the racial dynamics in an all white community and that probably helped my own confidence.

Do keep in mind the media is out there to beat you down and it is up to you to overcome it. There is a woman out there for every man and I truly believe that.

[Vahz]

No, this isn't disingenuous. This is something I've come to realize that after so many years of feeling self-conscious about whether or not other whites viewed me as an American. Looking back, I was completely unfair to the Asian girls I've dated because I was afraid being with them might make me look less American.

I'm going to admit flat out that I'm trying to exorcise my own demons in that I feel my tendency back then of pushing them away might have caused them to form opinions about Asian men that I am so afraid of now. It leaves me with a heavy heart and it still feels like I've been kicked in the stomach when I think about it.

Especially with recent articles like this:

http://www.audreymagazine.com/Sep2005/Features03.asp

My own highly unscientific study — namely, empirical observations and talking to friends, acquaintances, colleagues and people at parties — indicates that I am not alone. Far from it. Besides my friend Claire, I know several other AA women who have never dated another Asian, and in the course of writing this article, I met more — including a surprising number of men. Almost everyone I talked to, Asian and non-Asian said, “Oh, I know someone like that” or “I know someone you should talk to” when I told them the subject of my article.

I'm not trying to just "tap Asian booty" for superficial reasons. On the contrary, I'm actually thinking of settling down and starting a family and being with an Asian American girl would be easier to pass on our cultural background without the sexism. Hanging around with Asians is the first step toward that process.

What's interesting is that in that article from Audrey Magazine, the Chinese girl Tina is exactly what I'm looking for though she's a couple years older than me.

I'm actually not looking for dating encouragement, Rebel, but rather how to get back into the Asian scene.

[RebelAzn]

No, this isn't disingenuous. This is something I've come to realize that after so many years of feeling self-conscious about whether or not other whites viewed me as an American. Looking back, I was completely unfair to the Asian girls I've dated because I was afraid being with them might make me look less American.

I'm going to admit flat out that I'm trying to exorcise my own demons in that I feel my tendency back then of pushing them away might have caused them to form opinions about Asian men that I am so afraid of now. It leaves me with a heavy heart and it still feels like I've been kicked in the stomach when I think about it.

Especially with recent articles like this:

http://www.audreymagazine.com/Sep2005/Features03.asp

My own highly unscientific study — namely, empirical observations and talking to friends, acquaintances, colleagues and people at parties — indicates that I am not alone. Far from it. Besides my friend Claire, I know several other AA women who have never dated another Asian, and in the course of writing this article, I met more — including a surprising number of men. Almost everyone I talked to, Asian and non-Asian said, “Oh, I know someone like that” or “I know someone you should talk to” when I told them the subject of my article.

I'm not trying to just "tap Asian booty" for superficial reasons. On the contrary, I'm actually thinking of settling down and starting a family and being with an Asian American girl would be easier to pass on our cultural background without the sexism. Hanging around with Asians is the first step toward that process.

What's interesting is that in that article from Audrey Magazine, the Chinese girl Tina is exactly what I'm looking for though she's a couple years older than me.

I'm actually not looking for dating encouragement, Rebel, but rather how to get back into the Asian scene.

I do see your point. I think moving to a place with heavy Asian population would help. CA is a good start. It really changed my own views when I first moved here. I was exposed to many Asian Americans for the 1st time and realize there are many people in my own boat. Yes during high school etc. I never thought about dating an Asian cause if I did two of us would stand way out as "less" American. As I got older, I realize you really have to learn to define yourself and not let someone else define you. It is not about what woman you marry or date, it is about who you are within.

[Ike]

What was it that you wanted Asian women to respond to? Whether or not it's true that there are some Asian women who don't date Asian men? Out of my Asian female friends, I can think of only one who blatantly says she is less attracted to Asian men (although she has dated multiple Asian men), and the rest pretty much date ONLY Asian men. They're all college age though, so maybe it's different.

[RebelAzn]

One more point I want to address is that it is really important you understand you are. If you are not comfortable with you are as an individual or can't accept yourself as who you are, then it does not matter who you marry or date.

I know it is difficult growing up in this country as a minority. We have been conditioned to be "white" since we are little. Everything around us screams white. It could take some people years to deprogram. Some of us might never overcome it and live rest of their lives in a lie. Believe it or not, I actually met a couple Asians who really thought they are white. When I got older and traveled international a ton, I realize how stupid some of those trying to fit in mentality really this.

Bottom line is you have to want to continue your culture and teach your kids. It is not what race the woman you marry, although marrying an Asian woman with similar background certainly make a ton of things easier. I also have met white girls who know more about Asian culture than most Asian Americans. They spoke Chinese believe it or not. Being Asian American is not about being all Asian or all white, it is about embracing both cultures and know who you are as an individual.

[Vahz]

Another thing that I wished I've never done is even research this topic. Throughout high school, college, and during my younger corporate years, I was very confident with who I was in the world. I guess ignorance really is bliss. After reading about the other experiences of Asian men regarding Asian women that hate us, I've noticed I've become more and more self concious of who I am. The only stereotype that these women have that's true with me is that I'm shorter at 5'7". Everything else doesn't apply to me. Now I find myself thinking that if an Asian girl rejects me, could it be because of that one reason?

It has fucked with my mind so much that I find myself needing to go out of my way to destroy those stereotypes such as being more outgoing, talkative, and smiling more. While not bad traits, I now see how much damage researching this topic has done to me.

[RebelAzn]

Another thing that I wished I've never done is even research this topic. Throughout high school, college, and during my younger corporate years, I was very confident with who I was in the world. I guess ignorance really is bliss. After reading about the other experiences of Asian men regarding Asian women that hate us, I've noticed I've become more and more self concious of who I am. The only stereotype that these women have that's true with me is that I'm shorter at 5'7". Everything else doesn't apply to me. Now I find myself thinking that if an Asian girl rejects me, could it be because of that one reason?

It has fucked with my mind so much that I find myself needing to go out of my way to destroy those stereotypes such as being more outgoing, talkative, and smiling more. While not bad traits, I now see how much damage researching this topic has done to me.

Vahz - I know what you mean. When I was younger, I was totally ignorant of all these racial issues. When I got older and as the Internet got more popular, I found all kinds of stuff on the Internet. At first I would it is cool to finally chat with some people with similar Asian American experience, but later I found there are so much negativity about Asian men in this country. I sort of does fuck with your mind and all suddenly I am extremely conscious that I am Asian and starting to look through the world through more racial eyes. Now I am very aware of how Asians are being portrayed on TV. Media has really ruined both Asian American men and women, although in much different ways. I was always fairly big and I played football and wrestling in high school, so I never thought of myself as small or anything. Stereotypes, however, have a way of lumping you in with all other Asian men. Also, I become painfully aware of how people talk about Asians on the radio/newspaper etc. Being knowledgeable is both a blessing and a curse.

Like I said in my many posts, we are not going to change the media overnight unless one of us have $1B and start his own movie production company. All I can say is go out and support things that portray Asian American in a positive way. I already starting to see more commercials with more Asians in them, so it is cool. The Asian guy in SBC Pacbell commercial has started in 4 other commercial. Recently, I actually saw an Asian American family on a home depot commercial. Things are changing very slowly, but it is changing.

As I explained early, dating is a numbers game. I have a Chinese friend who was 5'7" who grew up in Canada who was very aggressive with dating. He never had problem dating women of all colors. I also think many Asian men who grew up outside of USA and especially in Asia, they have less of hangup about being Asian than kids here.

At end of the day, it is still better being aware of what really is going on in the world than being totally ignorant. Knowledge is power.

[silkie]

However, I've been discouraged by several reasons. The biggest two are 1.) how do I start making more Asian friends when I'm constantly surrounded by a white corporate landscape

You go up to an Asian person, extend your hands and introduce yourself. Even if you decided not to attend Asian parties there are still Asians in the corporate landscape.


2.) how do I explain my desire to hang out with more Asians without offending my non-Asian friends

???
I think this line of thinking is wrong on many levels.


3.) all this browsing around the internet researching interracial dating articles have me depressed due to the constant quotes from Asian women that they don't find Asian men attractive or how many Asian men have cited that they know quite a few Asian women that think that way as well.

I don't see how a run in with a CCB is going to hinder you from getting in touch with your Asian side.

I am not trying to be an ass. Your intentions are commendable. All I am trying to say is I think you are reading into your actions a bit too much.
And while you express a desire to get more in touch with your "Asian side," you are still hesitant. For one thing, why are you still so concious of what white people think of you?

[Vahz]

In regards to #1, I work for a Swiss bank located in NYC so there are very few Asians in my area. The only other Asian that works with me is a 40 year old married Korean American.

Why is #2 wrong on so many levels? I'm just concern that they might somehow be offended that I'm going out of my way to try to make more Asian friends; as if I'm abandoning them based on race alone.

Also, to #3, I'm not sure if you understand what I'm saying. I'm not saying that I might meet one of these women that hate Asian men but rather my chances of meeting one are much higher than I once thought after reading the stories from other Asian men on sites like this and others such as the Audrey Magazine article.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that I still care what whites think about me. If anything, I care about what Asian women think of me.

[silkie]

In regards to #1, I work for a Swiss bank located in NYC so there are very few Asians in my area. The only other Asian that works with me is a 40 year old married Korean American.

Why is #2 wrong on so many levels? I'm just concern that they might somehow be offended that I'm going out of my way to try to make more Asian friends; as if I'm abandoning them based on race alone.

Also, to #3, I'm not sure if you understand what I'm saying. I'm not saying that I might meet one of these women that hate Asian men but rather my chances of meeting one are much higher than I once thought after reading the stories from other Asian men on sites like this and others such as the Audrey Magazine article.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that I still care what whites think about me. If anything, I care about what Asian women think of me.

#1-so you are saying that you are not going to make friends outside of people that you work with?

#2-and that in order to make friends with Asians you will ditch your current roster of friends? The reason I bring this up is because I assume making friends is a accumalative processs. Under normal circumstances people usually don't go replacing friends as they meet people. And about the race-base selection of friends, why should someone fault you for trying to meet more people of your own race, as long as you still make an effort to stay in touch with them?

#3-I understand what you originally said about the higher rates of meeting problematic women, but what I was asking is why does that discourage you from getting back to your roots?

But then again, reading your post in this thread, I am starting to see that getting to your roots means to go back to dating Asian women. Well, there is nothing wrong with that, but in that case I think the thread title is misleading because when I think of people getting back to their cultural roots, I think of people taking language classes, reading up on their culture, making friends from their own culture -- both men and women (I assume that you are interested in making friends with Asian men also, but so far you have only stated your desire to get with an Asian woman).

Regarding your question of why I think that you care about what white people think, I admit I have misread your original statement for #2 ("how do I explain my desire to hang out with more Asians without offending my non-Asian friends") by replacing the word "non-asian" with "white." But my point still holds: if you don't care what non-asians think of you, why do you have to tip-toe around them to make sure they don't get offended about you making friends with people of your own race?

[silkie]

btw,
I am only being difficult because I sense your are still sorting out what it means to be Asian and "getting back to your roots."

Dating other Asians is a good thing, and can be included in the "getting back to your roots" list, if there is such a thing. But just as I personally feel dating outside the race doesn't necessarily mean that a person is turning their backs on their own race, I also think that dating within the race doesn't signify that the person is in touch with their own culture.

As an aside, I went to college with an Asian guy that I thought was really white washed, but in the middle of the 4 years he became more and more attracted to Asian women, something that he doesn't feel in High School under the same reasoning as yours: it makes him look less american. But the way he approaches his newfound attraction to Asian women, it is as if he has a fetish for his own race. And he'd actually stated that one of the reason that he came to terms with his attraction to asian women is because he feels asian women are now universally attractive that he no longer feels "FOB guilt" for being attracted to them. It is really bizzare.

[Vahz]

I see where you’re coming from but I think it’s because you’ve misunderstood me.

1.)No, I’m saying that it’s hard to make friends with Asians when I don’t work with any but now I see what brought you to that conclusion. You’re questioning why I can’t make more Asian friends outside of work. That’s what I’m trying to ask in the first place. I’m not sure where to go to meet more Asian oriented venues but I still think that’s problematic since I pretty shy about visiting bars, clubs, etc.

2.)No, I’m not going to ditch my old friends but rather I’m afraid that they might take offense to me trying to push myself into the “Asian clique” frame of mind.

3.)When I said I wished to get back in touch with my roots was that I believe hanging out with more Asians and dating an Asian women will help me expand my learning of Asian culture. I’ve always been proud of who I am but I feel that not being around Asians has stunted my emotional growth. You mentioned that some learn about their culture by “making friends from their own culture” which is exactly what I’m trying to do.

I think I'm more afraid of being rejected by Asian women rather than being afraid of white people think. Like I said before, I was afraid of what whites thought back then since being with an Asian woman might make me seem less American but now, I'd rather be with someone that understands my perspectives rather than concerning myself with what whites think.

Thanks for your insights, by the way.

[Ike]

Hate to say this, but you WILL get rejected. After a few times you'll get over your fear. On the bright side, you will also NOT get rejected. Good luck!

[Vahz]

Well, that I know, but I was wondering where one could go to befriend more Asians under a guise of friendship first.

[atlasien]

I think it's a bad idea to think about bars as a place to meet other Asians. How about car clubs, volunteer organizations and study groups. In more neutral settings, you can get to know other people and their interests at a slow pace, without jumping into "what can I get out of this other person" mode.

I would also advise... don't rely on other people to increase your sense of self-worth. Also, don't take everything you read on the internet and/or in Audrey magazine as the word of law. Create your own perspective based on your own observations.

[santoki]

I think the whole change is a gradual one. I had lots of white friends when in middle school, that started to change in high school and afterwards I did have more and more asian friends.

These days I live in Korea and have no white friends here in Korea. Of course I still have friends back in the country I used to live in.

Just being Asian doesn't mean you will get along in any case with other Asians or that Asians in general will receive you with open arms. I agree that attending/joining a club or organization where you can share a common interest etc. would help.

Isn't there a big population of Koreans in New York (Flushing/Bayside)?

[RebelAzn]

Hey Vazh,

I like to make couple more comments cause I really appreciate you share how you really think cause I think that train of thoughts are similar to what many Asian Americans go through.

#1 Afraid your non-Asian friends would reject you for being more Asian

Well I think if people can't accept the way you are, then they probably shouldn't be your friends. If they are really your friends, they shouldn't care about you want to get in touch with your roots.

#2 Being in the NYC

Now I know there are a ton of Asian population there, but I am not sure that's the best place. Why am I saying this? Because I have a brother who is living there right now and going through the Asian scene. We do talk about dating in NYC. My brother basically told me Asian women are the most difficult to date in NYC for him and he is Asian. Now my brother is about 6 feet tall and he is a pretty outgoing guy. He is not your typical over achieving Asian but he does have a very good job. He was pretty white washed when he was younger like rest of us and never had an Asian girlfriend until he was in his mid to late 20's. He had some not so great experience with Asian women in NYC. I find that odd and we had # of conversations with him about this. Bottom line is he is dating 3 women right now and none of them are Asian. I always told him he needs to focus on finding someone to settle down with so don't jump into any relationship seriously unless he knows she is the one since he is not getting younger. I am not sure how you should take this, but that's his personal experience right now. Perhaps him being somewhat white washed is not helping, so I am not sure. I just want to warn you before you go out and get rejected it a few times and get upset about it.

#3 As far as meeting other Asians, I don't think it is super difficult. I do know there are Asian party scenes in NYC. I don't really recommend going to bars etc either. I would say just be yourself and maybe go do some volunteer work in the Asian community. I am sure you want to meet a nice girl so go where nice girls hang out.

#4 Most people in this country are not aware of all the racial dynamics, especially white people. While minorities are much more aware, but it is sort of different based on how we are being portrayed in the media.

Again, dating is a numbers game and you got to go force yourself and just go do it. I realize it is difficult but you have to if you want any success. Even white and black women have told me while I was in college that some of them are interested in dating Asian men, but none ever hits on them.

[Vahz]

What were his stories about the Asian women in NYC?

[JadeDragon]

I don't know, but remembering what you've posted on v2.0 of your feelings towards other Asians, and reading about your current objective of finding an Asian woman to settle down with, I think you may need to do some soul-searching first before actually forming a relationship with one. It just strikes me as "off", somehow.

Well, that I know, but I was wondering where one could go to befriend more Asians under a guise of friendship first.

This statement is really weird. Under a "guise of friendship" for what? And I assume you meant women, rather than men?

Edited to add: I totally agree with everything Silkie has said.

[Vahz]

Sorry. After I read that back to myself, it does sound weird.

I think what I meant was that I'd rather use friendship to soulsearch rather than just strike up conversations with Asian women I don't know in a bar somewhere. Additionally, my attitudes drastically changed after I came back from Shanghai, Hong Kong, and Taiwan after a 3 week vacation.

It just convinced me to be even more proud of who I am.

I guess my real vice is that I'm a little paranoid with how Asian females, as a whole, view Asian men these days. Like I said, I've been pretty much out of the loop on the subject because I was too stupid to notice Asian women during college and a good part of my corporate career which amounts to about 8 years. And after reading all those threads and experiences from other Asian men, I'll admit I've become demoralized about it.

[JadeDragon]

Okay, I'm going to be a bit more direct about this, but I don't mean to offend you, so please understand.

According to your initial post, you rediscovered your affinity for Asian women after travelling to Asia, but before that, you preferred to "mess around" with white and Latina women. This is odd, because your previous racial preferences seem to have been rooted in a fear of being perceived as "too Asian". If I were to be less kind, I would say that you had some self-hatred, whether it was induced by your surroundings and/or other factors. Not only that, but you explicitly mentioned that you would treat your previous Asian girlfriends not as well as you should have.

And now, you're couching this sudden interest in finding an Asian girlfriend as "rediscovering your background", which I feel is disingenuous, because it doesn't seem to be connected to anything else except finding someone to re-affirm your identity as an Asian man. So, my concern is this: any relationship you may form with an Asian woman right now will be a dishonest one. You will using her as a marker for your Asian-ness, and that is no better than some white dude wanting an Asian girl because she's "exotic". No matter how much you like her, she will still be first and foremost to you, an Asian, and not a woman you will love for herself.

As I mentioned before, perhaps you may like to think about it for some time, before jumping into the dating pool and setting up more difficult situations in the near future. There will be another person involved, if you do decide to forge ahead, and she too is an individual who'll need understanding just as much as you do.

[minbo]

Unless you are interested in dating 3 women at the same time, the stories about dating from a guy who dates 3 women may not be as applicable to you.

In my social circles, and in my recreational activities, I encounter very few Asians. The Asians that are there, more often than not we end up talking. Not because we are trying to get back to our roots, nor because there is a fetish, nor because we are looking to talk to other Asians, but rather because who the hell else do you fall into a 2 hour conversation about the awesomeness of whipping up a quick bowl of Jook when you had a long day and are kick ass tired with? Or complain about Yin Chao, tiger balm, ginkgo nuts, ginseng, ginger tea and other herbal remedies that your parents shoved down your throat when you were sick? Or how your pop always made you kneel on the floor for 5 hours as punishment (or stand at high horse).

I would find it really weird to try to strike up a conversation with other Asian people simply because they were Asian, only to have nothing to say to them.

Personally, in NYC, I do find a number of Asian girls who don't date Asian guys, but I also find a lot of Asian girls who don't care the ethnicity of who they date, or Asian girls who are looking to date other Asians. Just because they want to date other Asian guys, does not mean that they are going to "settle" and go out with some fellow who is going to go and date two other women at the same time he is going out with them.

[RebelAzn]

What were his stories about the Asian women in NYC?

Vahz,

I guess his story are more typical about dating in general. I mean he dated Asian women. Maybe some he dated are too demanding or they expect way too much. For example, one Asian girl he dated expect him to pay for her dad's bills which I thought is ridicules. I am not sure what these women do if they date white men cause I know most white men don't really pay for everything. I guess some girls who grew up in Asia expect men to take care of everything. White girls he dated tend to offer to pay for stuff here and there. Of course, this is his experience and it is different with every individual. I know it is a cultural thing cause I experienced this myself. Then again, I have met Asian women who paid for me before and quite a few even paid for the entire get away weekend.

Now I do agree with JadeDragon, you really need to understand yourself before you date in general. It is not HEALTHY to look for validation in another person. It is the same thing when an Asian person dating a white person just trying to be white vs. dating a man/woman for that person. I realize Asian Americans have to go through extra struggles in this department, so you need to be aware of who you are and why you are dating someone.

Again, don't let all these crazy Internet data beat you down. In real life, it is still up to each individual to break the stereotype. Fortunately, there are some intelligent people out there who do see people as people.

[RebelAzn]

Unless you are interested in dating 3 women at the same time, the stories about dating from a guy who dates 3 women may not be as applicable to you.

In my social circles, and in my recreational activities, I encounter very few Asians. The Asians that are there, more often than not we end up talking. Not because we are trying to get back to our roots, nor because there is a fetish, nor because we are looking to talk to other Asians, but rather because who the hell else do you fall into a 2 hour conversation about the awesomeness of whipping up a quick bowl of Jook when you had a long day and are kick ass tired with? Or complain about Yin Chao, tiger balm, ginkgo nuts, ginseng, ginger tea and other herbal remedies that your parents shoved down your throat when you were sick? Or how your pop always made you kneel on the floor for 5 hours as punishment (or stand at high horse).

I would find it really weird to try to strike up a conversation with other Asian people simply because they were Asian, only to have nothing to say to them.

Personally, in NYC, I do find a number of Asian girls who don't date Asian guys, but I also find a lot of Asian girls who don't care the ethnicity of who they date, or Asian girls who are looking to date other Asians. Just because they want to date other Asian guys, does not mean that they are going to "settle" and go out with some fellow who is going to go and date two other women at the same time he is going out with them.


Minbo - I guess you are referring to my brother when you say the guy who date 3 girls. I just want to point out that he has gone through the pattern of hooking up with a girl, have a relationship with her for 4-6 months and then they break up. This pattern has repeated over and over. Now he is not the player type, he just wants to find a nice girl to settle down with, especially he is now in his 30's. We all told him don't get into a relationship unless he finds a nice girl, this is why he is sort of dating to find the right one. Now I don't recommend dating multiple women at the same time cause it could drive a man nuts. I have my own stories but I do agree to focus on a good person and build a nurture relationship.

I also agree with you that it would be weird to strike up a conversation with someone just because they are Asian and you have nothing in common.

[Vahz]

Thanks, Jade. I'm starting to see your point that I might be "using" an Asian girl as a tool to reaffirm my Asianness.

However, is there anything wrong with the affinity I have for them because they represent everything that I am?

[atlasien]

However, is there anything wrong with the affinity I have for them because they represent everything that I am?

I totally don't mean this in any insulting way, but do you feel like you want to represent yourself as an Asian woman? Because that's the only way your question makes sense to me. If you do happen to feel that way, there's nothing wrong with that... it makes things kind of complicated though...

[JadeDragon]

A brief reply as I need to go to bed in my own time zone...

Asian women do not "represent" anything that you are, even if you share the same ethnicity. You may share similarities, but that's where it ends. They're just similarities. Fundamentally, there is already a difference, as life experiences for men and women are bound to be varied, as they will be dictated by social/gender/psychological boundaries. Dialectic's already put up a bunch of stuff on Integral Theory, and that's where my opinion is based, so you can read up on it if you like.

Edited to add: Atlasien beat me to it. =)

[Lum]

Lots of people have "checklists" for finding a marriage partner, even if they don't admit to it. I dated a gal who had one a mile long and she said she got the idea watching Oprah. My dad went back to China to meet an "AF" and their marriage lasted more than 50 years!

1. Take a class, take a stroll, break your routine. That's the best way to meet new people.

2. How to explain yourself to non-Asian friends? Simple, you don't! This aint none of their business and you don't answer to them. Didn't you say some of your friends are Latino? I think any ethnic person would understand your actions.

3. Man, fuck those race-hatin' Joy Luck Club-watchin' non-Asian-butthole-lickers. You're gonna run into them, that's a given. The only thing I can say is don't let 'em get to you. Otherwise you can always come back here and vent.

On a side note, it occurs to me that since the US has gone to shit, people seem less concerned with "looking American"...

[minbo]

Minbo - I guess you are referring to my brother when you say the guy who date 3 girls. I just want to point out that he has gone through the pattern of hooking up with a girl, have a relationship with her for 4-6 months and then they break up. This pattern has repeated over and over. Now he is not the player type, he just wants to find a nice girl to settle down with, especially he is now in his 30's. We all told him don't get into a relationship unless he finds a nice girl, this is why he is sort of dating to find the right one. Now I don't recommend dating multiple women at the same time cause it could drive a man nuts. I have my own stories but I do agree to focus on a good person and build a nurture relationship.

I also agree with you that it would be weird to strike up a conversation with someone just because they are Asian and you have nothing in common.

I did not mean to passing judgment on your brother or his dating habits, I don't know him or his situation. It is not a bad thing to date around to find someone you want to settle down with. Different people have different strategies, and those strategies will appeal to different potential mates.

For example, if you go to bars and clubs all the time to pick up girls, then is is more than likely that you will find girls who like to go to bars and clubs, drink and dance. If you meet girls at church, then you are more than likely going to meet a religious girl. If you meet girls at sporting events, then they will more than likely enjoy watching sports.

I know that it sounds obvious, but the progression for Vahz is that if you hang out with white people, then you will more often find white girls, or girls who like white people.

Then the girls you meet will have standard preferences. A lot of girls prefer a guy who will not date around when they are with them. A lot o girls prefer their guy not have serious identity issues. A lot of girls prefer their guy not be a dick. Since girls don't generally give an exit interview when they reject guys, a guy can totally misinterpret why they were rejected. Some with self-identity racial issues may then decide to pool all the rejections into "its because I'm Asian" category, which may or may not be true but is certainly unhealthy.

[Candide]

Your own identity is for yourself to sort out. I don't think any other person can help you much with that. Rooting AFs (if you excuse the Aussie slang :D) is not gonna make you get back in touch with your Asian root.

[JadeDragon]

Rooting AFs (if you excuse the Aussie slang :D) is not gonna make you get back in touch with your Asian root.

Bwahaha! Is it wrong of me to have thought, "Well, it's easy enough for the guy to get in touch with his Asian root. He's got options! Left hand or right hand, even". =P

[RebelAzn]

For example, if you go to bars and clubs all the time to pick up girls, then is is more than likely that you will find girls who like to go to bars and clubs, drink and dance. If you meet girls at church, then you are more than likely going to meet a religious girl. If you meet girls at sporting events, then they will more than likely enjoy watching sports.

I know that it sounds obvious, but the progression for Vahz is that if you hang out with white people, then you will more often find white girls, or girls who like white people.

Then the girls you meet will have standard preferences. A lot of girls prefer a guy who will not date around when they are with them. A lot o girls prefer their guy not have serious identity issues. A lot of girls prefer their guy not be a dick. Since girls don't generally give an exit interview when they reject guys, a guy can totally misinterpret why they were rejected. Some with self-identity racial issues may then decide to pool all the rejections into "its because I'm Asian" category, which may or may not be true but is certainly unhealthy.

Well said. You are a product of your own environment. Also, if you are a guy and you hang around white people all the time and you meet other AFs, it is probably highly that AF is a CCB. Of course, there are AFs that don't fit that category. I have met plenty of AFs that are proud of their culture and don't buy the white-washed mentality. Sadly, I also have met many Asian Americans that don't have a clue about all the damages that the media in this country has done to our community. If you want to find an Asian woman who is proud of her heritage, go hang out at Asian American parties. There are plenty that go on here in the West Coast. I mean they used to have weekly parties.

You are also right that most girls don't give EXIT interviews or tell you the real reason why she rejected you. My attitude has always been if the one I am sort of interested in said no to my advances, I move on to the next girl. Have I ever hit on girls that I later found out to be CCBs, sure I have and I immediately moved on once I know how they are. After everything I learned, I would have a really hard time settling down with any girl who has a major identity issue etc. Girls reject men for many different reasons. I think Asian men also need to think that it might not always be them being Asian.

The fact is getting touch with your Asian root has to come from the person within. Therefore, Vahz needs to learn to appreciate his Asianness within vs. trying to find an Asian girl to validate his Asianness.

As for my brother, my mother is overdrive in trying to help him finding that "nice" Asian girl. If I ever tell her about his actual dating pattern, I think she would probably have a heart attack :)

[RebelAzn]

Your own identity is for yourself to sort out. I don't think any other person can help you much with that. Rooting AFs (if you excuse the Aussie slang :D) is not gonna make you get back in touch with your Asian root.

Well said. All I can tell my Asian brothers be proud of who you are no matter who you date. I always believe happiness and peace comes from within and I think I have preached that in all of my posts.

A good advice from a very wise Asian woman - "Always be happy with who you are and what you have and don't compare"

[RebelAzn]

Bwahaha! Is it wrong of me to have thought, "Well, it's easy enough for the guy to get in touch with his Asian root. He's got options! Left hand or right hand, even". =P

Haha and I thought it is Rosie and her 4 sisters?

[JadeDragon]

OMG, the cardinal rule is to never forget names when you're bonking, even if it's your hand! It's Mary Palm! Say it before she slaps you! =P

[aelward]

Hmmm, I thought it was "having an affair with Jill"