Have Your Parents Ever Said they were Proud of You?

[lycheng]

Recently, a colleague of mine asked me to translate in Chinese a phrase he wanted to write in his sixteen year old daughter's birthday card. The phrase is: I am proud of you.

My spoken Chinese (Mandarin) is quite good, but my reading and writing sucks. So I knew I had to consult with my Mom. Then I thought, gee, my parents never said that to me! Sure they complemented me (not a lot by the way), but it was usually limited to good work. The point is that their interaction with me mostly consisted of an evaluation of good or bad.

They never verbally expressed to me that they were proud, even after I did something worth commending. They would certainly not complement me "just because". Don't get me wrong, I know they are proud of me by their actions and non-verbal communications.

It's probably just my weird parents, but I'm wondering if perhaps there's something about Chinese or Asian parenting that prevents them from saying that. So my question to you all is, has your parents ever said those words to you, in either English or your native language?

By the way, the translation my Mom and I came up with was: 我為你驕傲 (Wo3 wei1 ni1 jiau1 ao4).

Interestingly, I thought jiau1 ao4 was jealous, but it also means proud. How the Chinese language can use the same phrase to describe jealousy and proudness is a subject for another discussion.

lycheng

[kwak76]

I think its an asian thing. I think in Asian culture being driven or success is important. This maybe true in all culture but it seems more in Asian culture.

[nskripchun]

What kwak said.

My relatives had a different way of expressing it... saying "I'm proud of you" sorta sounds too corny. For example, when I graduated high school in the top 10% of my class and found a private full scholarship to attend college, they would say it indirectly by saying:

"Today is a happy day for me."
"You didn't let us down."
"There's not many students who can do what you did. Good job."
"You make me glad to be your mom/uncle/aunt etc."

Basically the same thing, I suppose.

There's also alot of nonverbal communication in Asian culture... things that don't get said directly get said in subtext.

[Dirac]

Although my father is English I think English culture has more similarity to Asian culture in that we feel there are many things that don't need to be said. My mother and my father have never directly said they are proud to me (and I'm not sure I've given them much reason to say it either :wink: ) but they would let me know by telling me "Oh, we told Mrs So and so about what you are doing at the moment" or "yes, mr. etc. was very interested to hear about your news".

They also never tell me when they are worried about something I am doing until after the event has passed - is this true for other people?

[maogirl]

By the way, the translation my Mom and I came up with was: 我為你驕傲 (Wo3 wei1 ni1 jiau1 ao4).

Interestingly, I thought jiau1 ao4 was jealous, but it also means proud. How the Chinese language can use the same phrase to describe jealousy and proudness is a subject for another discussion.

lycheng

what the...?

jaio ao doesn't mean jealous. it means arrogant and proud in a negative sense.

ji du means jealous and xian mu means envious.

gao chor....

also, i thought that it was pretty obvious that humility and modesty are considered desirable traits in asian cultures. boasting includes telling your children that you're proud of them because obviously, a good and accomplished child doesn't get that way unless his parents did a lot of work, so telling your kid "i'm proud of you" is like giving yourself a compliment.

not to mention, most people are also afraid of some kind of cosmic retribution for their pride. i was a really cute baby (pictorial evidence upon request) and people were always asking my parents to put me in commercials and movies. to the filipinos on this board, i was supposed to be nino muhlach's "love team" back in the day, hehehe! we were supposed to billed as "kape at gatas" :lol:!!!

anyway, after a while, my parents started getting really swell-headed from the compliments. and now, they really regret bragging about my cuteness so much because, as my mom always tells me "that was the peak of your looks, and it just went downhill from there because we put too much pride in your cuteness." according to my dad, i only retained 1/10th of my former cuteness. damn parents...all their fault... :x

you also hear about beloved children being given only secondhand clothing because you don't want to tempt fate by overspoiling them and letting others know how much you love them.

in fact, one of the things that really irritated me a few years ago (yes, another stupid gweilo story) was when i went on this "heritage" tour to a traditional hakka village here in hk.

we were invited to have tea with a family, and of course, we were complimenting the cleverness and cuteness of the kid. of course, the parents were like, "nah, he's a dumbass, he's really naughty, etc." and the gweilo in the group was like, "why are they saying that?" and i had to explain to him.

he thought it was hilarious and kept complimenting the kid just to see what the parents would say to turn back the compliment. finally, i had to tell him to shut the fuck up. fortunately, he got food poisoning from that tour. buddha sees all.


I think its an asian thing. I think in Asian culture being driven or success is important. This maybe true in all culture but it seems more in Asian culture.

i don't entirely agree with this: i don't think that this is intrinsically part of "asian culture," but more a part of immigrant asian culture. there are a lot of non-ambitious asians back in asia. of course, all parents would like their children to do well, but there are a lot of parents who are happy as long as their kids are content, as well.

[aelward]

What MG said... jiao ao implies arrogance.

I think you can use wei rong in this case, as in wo yi ni wei rong.

[ellencho]

We weren't ever told that they were proud of us, but when my dad was a boozer he'd come home trashed and he'd tell us that we're Chos and that we're Korean and therefore we can't let the world down by not being excellent all the time.

Luckily the boozing is to a minimum nowadays, but the closest thing to them telling us they're proud of us is when my dad told my mom that she did good with us kids.

[minbo]

My folks never told me that they were proud of me, but I've never told them that I was proud of them either, so we are even Steven.

Personally I think that the phrase being proud of someone is used too much anyway. If someone has an achievement that I in no way contributed to directly or indirectly, I have no reason to be proud of them. I can be happy for them. Being proud of someone/something lays a claim of ownership upon whatever you are proud of. On the flip side, being ashamed of someone or event also lays some claim of personal responsibility that may not be justified, such as FOB haters being ashamed of how someone they don't know acts because they happen to be the same ethnicity.

My parents have expressed being happy, content, disappointed or dissatisfied at my accomplishments.

[seoulbrotherno1]

Growing up my father was never around so he's disqualified.

As for mom, I remember that I proudly brought home a 93% on my homework one day, only to have my mother yell at me: "Why isn't this 100%!"

Now that I have grown up, my mom can't stop telling me how proud she is of me. I think that she's trying to console me for being a big loser.

My pops tells me he's proud of me often, but he's White, so I guess that's not too odd.

I tell my pops that I am proud of him, but I am not sure how to say the same thing to my mother in Corean. I know how to say that something "makes my chest swell with satisfaction," but I actually don't know how to say that I am proud of someone. I imagine that there are about ten different ways to say this, each with a different nuance, connotation, and specific usage. If anyone could let me know how to say this, it would be appreciated.

sb1

[Charlie]

I know a lot of white people who are estranged from one or both of their parents for some reason or another. But among Asians, it's common to take the view that family is family and it's still the kid's duty to respect and stay close to them, no matter what they've done.

What do you guys think? Would you ever become estranged from a parent?

[toml]

My parent's never told me directly that they were proud of me, but I know they would brag to their friends about me.

I'm not really sure this is a cultural issue. I mean, how many American parents tell their kids they are proud of them? Maybe the touchy-feely, rich, liberal parents do, but the majority probably don't.

[vsoy]

I find what maogirl said to ring true with most asian parents- they either brag about their kids or indirectly compliment by ragging on them TO OTHER people. One might meet a parent and within a few minutes, you learn all the bad habits the kid has. Sometimes they are really lame habits that are not so bad and you just see through it and the parents are really bragging about their kids but sometimes the criticism is so harsh, it really has a negative impact on the kid. As a listener, it's your job to deflect and say, "oh, the kid is not so bad", but sometimes the comments are so harsh it's pretty hard to have a polite comeback. Then, there's an overcorrection on the parents' part and all of a sudden, the kid is unbeatable, doing open heart surgery on weekends while listening to their violin recordings with the city symphony.

[lycheng]

By the way, the translation my Mom and I came up with was: 我為你驕傲 (Wo3 wei1 ni1 jiau1 ao4).

Interestingly, I thought jiau1 ao4 was jealous, but it also means proud. How the Chinese language can use the same phrase to describe jealousy and proudness is a subject for another discussion.

Lycheng

what the...?

jaio ao doesn't mean jealous. it means arrogant and proud in a negative sense.

ji du means jealous and xian mu means envious.

gao chor....

What MG said... jiao ao implies arrogance.

I think you can use wei rong in this case, as in wo yi ni wei rong.

I agree with both MG and aelward. I also felt that jiau1 ao4 had a negative "arrogance" connotation. That's why I asked my Mom, and she said it was okay to say to a daughter. At least it's not a tattoo, or it'll be submitted to Hanzi Smatter (http://www.hanzismatter.com/) as another misuse of Chinese characters by a White person.

Oh well... :oops:
lycheng

[cattygurl]

What do you guys think? Would you ever become estranged from a parent?

Yes, depending on the situation. Man of my friends thatr came from abusive families are no longer in contact with their parents. I think there are lines that should never be crossed, even with family.

[xian]

Growing up my father was never around so he's disqualified.

As for mom, I remember that I proudly brought home a 93% on my homework one day, only to have my mother yell at me: "Why isn't this 100%!"

Now that I have grown up, my mom can't stop telling me how proud she is of me. I think that she's trying to console me for being a big loser.

My pops tells me he's proud of me often, but he's White, so I guess that's not too odd.

I tell my pops that I am proud of him, but I am not sure how to say the same thing to my mother in Corean. I know how to say that something "makes my chest swell with satisfaction," but I actually don't know how to say that I am proud of someone. I imagine that there are about ten different ways to say this, each with a different nuance, connotation, and specific usage. If anyone could let me know how to say this, it would be appreciated.

sb1

On the day the SAT scores came in the mail, I had some friends over. My dad opened them, looked at the score and just said, "How did you miss those questions?"

One of my friends told me this story at my ten year reunion because it made an impression on him how my parents were never satisfied with anything.

Now they say they are proud all the time, but I'm pretty self-confident, so it's nice, but not as necessary as it would have been when I was growing up.

[lycheng]

What do you guys think? Would you ever become estranged from a parent?

Yes, depending on the situation. Man of my friends thatr came from abusive families are no longer in contact with their parents. I think there are lines that should never be crossed, even with family.

With all my talk of Filial piety, I have to agree with cattygurl. Any child who has been abused by their parents shouldn't be afraid of cutting off contact with them.

As for me, I've never been abused by my parents. I have fought with them, but that's normal. We always end up patching things up.

lycheng

[lycheng]

also, i thought that it was pretty obvious that humility and modesty are considered desirable traits in asian cultures. boasting includes telling your children that you're proud of them because obviously, a good and accomplished child doesn't get that way unless his parents did a lot of work, so telling your kid "i'm proud of you" is like giving yourself a compliment.

I totally agree. I think boasting about yourself is a big no-no in Asian cultures.

On the other hand, I also think many Asian parents won't hesitate in letting their children know how much they've sacrificed for them.

lycheng

[Charlie]

Yes, depending on the situation. Man of my friends thatr came from abusive families are no longer in contact with their parents. I think there are lines that should never be crossed, even with family.

For example, I have two cousins that are brothers. One is by nature outgoing, smart and a high achiever. The other is probably a bit below average, shy and lacks confidence.

But the parents played a big part in making him this way. They've always praised the outgoing one and criticized the shy one to the point where he has no self esteem and is now really messed up. Of course, they don't have a clue and take no responsibility for this. He lives with his parents (he's in his late 20's), can't hold a job and is pretty much dependent on them.

To me, the best thing for him would be to move away, cut off contact with them and try and get his life together, but he doesn't have enough confidence to do that. It's really sad. I don't think they've ever physically abused him, but the psychological abuse is probably even worse.

[lycheng]

Yes, depending on the situation. Man of my friends thatr came from abusive families are no longer in contact with their parents. I think there are lines that should never be crossed, even with family.

For example, I have two cousins that are brothers. One is by nature outgoing, smart and a high achiever. The other is probably a bit below average, shy and lacks confidence.

But the parents played a big part in making him this way. They've always praised the outgoing one and criticized the shy one to the point where he has no self esteem and is now really messed up. Of course, they don't have a clue and take no responsibility for this. He lives with his parents (he's in his late 20's), can't hold a job and is pretty much dependent on them.

To me, the best thing for him would be to move away, cut off contact with them and try and get his life together, but he doesn't have enough confidence to do that. It's really sad. I don't think they've ever physically abused him, but the psychological abuse is probably even worse.

Yeah Charlie, parents sometime don't have a clue regarding how favoritism with one child over another can do some serious damage to a child's development. To a large extent, this can happen in any culture.

In your example, the psychological abuse might be enough to warrant limiting one's contact with one's parent. But I often wonder if the filial ideals of an Asian family makes cutting off contact that much more difficult.

In my family, my Dad was the one who would always criticize me, even stupid stuff like my signature. It's funny because, in America, your signature is meant to be very individualistic, and in some ways, the more illegible the better. But somehow my Dad interpreted my style as "laziness".

lycheng

[blockthebox]

Have Your Parents Ever Said they were Proud of You?

They do all the time. They also say "I love you". I'm pretty lucky, eh?

[silkie]

might be an asian thing, or might not. All I have to say is before my mother and I moved to this country, she fits into the stern type. Not, really stern, but rather had no time for mushy talk.

But after what we've been through getting here (another story), and hanging out with my more "americanized" aunts and uncles, she now randomly calls me to tells me how proud she is of me, and even how lucky she is to decide not to have me aborted (???!!!---long story...)

[Tyger Durden]

Have Your Parents Ever Said they were Proud of You?

sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't.

one thing led to another and i ended up here. :|

[Charlie]

My mom was great at showing us she was proud of us, if not in those explicit words, in gestures and showing a lot of interest in us.

My dad, on the other hand doesn't seem to be capable of this. I don't think he's ever said 'thank you' once, despite all of the things I've done for him. All of his brothers are the same way. They must have been really hardened by my grandfather back in the "old country". But the few times I met him, he was pretty cool.

When an older Asian person is the stern, cold and strict type, I always hear people explain it as coming from the culture. I don't completely agree with that.

[lycheng]

When an older Asian person is the stern, cold and strict type, I always hear people explain it as coming from the culture. I don't completely agree with that.

It might not be the "culture" per se. I sometimes suspect it has to do with the difficulties in their own childhood.

For example, I know that my father spent the majority of his childhood escaping Japanese forces in China. I can only imagine how hard life was growing up in a war torn environment. My Dad has told me stories of how they had to pack up and leave on a moments notice, trying to stay one step ahead of the occupation forces.

My guess is that his parents were too busy trying to get their basic needs met. Maybe my grandfather was hard on my Dad because there was a war going on, and he felt strict discipline was needed in the turmoil of war. I don't know, I'm just guessing here.

Whatever the case maybe, the effects of the war must have affected all families to some extent. I'm not making an excuse for parents who are abusive because everyone has a choice in life. Everyone deals with war differently. But I think it's something to be factored in.

lycheng

[little mixed girl]

when i was in school (elementary - high) i can't really remember if my mom said "i'm proud of you".
maybe she did and i don't remember it.

now that i'm in college, she's said it a number of times.
but then again maybe it's only because i've gotten good grades all through college and she feels vindicated against all them rich parents of my classmates who would brag about how smart their kids were and she had nothing to brag about regarding me...

[cattygurl]

My mom, yes and often. My dad, twice. It blew me away, and my first reaction to my dad was, "dad, do you have cancer or terminal illness?" Seriously, I thought he might be dying or something, because he never expresses positive stuff. Tht's just who he is- his whole family's really negative, so I can't expect my dad to be suddenl different.

[elliott20]

once.

after I got out of college, I moved to Baltimore and got myself a job there. It was the first time I was really on my own, since college for me was basically parents supporting me through it and me just being the student.

My mom asked me if I wanted to come home and work in Taiwan because my parents knew enough people in places that they could easily get me a job there. (That and the fact that I had an NYU diploma was also very helpful.)

I told them I didn't want to because I wanted to stand on my own two feet. I think it was the first time my parents realized that I am in fact my own man now.