issue of (religious) tolerance

[B the student]

I like to think myself a rather tolerant individual. I try to be respectful of other's differing beliefs. But one day I was chatting with a girl about religion and why I don't buy into it, and she asked me (paraphrasing) "How would you treat your child if they were religious?" Now my initial response was "oh I wouldn't care, let them live their life the way the want to." But then I retracted that statement, simply saying I don't know. Why don't I know? Because after my initial response I immediately recalled how I've been dealing with my little sister and her expression of her faith.

My little sister attends an Catholic grade school (much to my dismay), and is a nice church going girl. She loves to sing religious songs and it's obvious that religion is a big part of her life. Things is, she's living my life 10-13 years ago. I remember how much religion was a part of my life, how much I loved and breathed it (I wanted to be a priest/monk/pope). But I also remember the feelings of isolation and despair when I turned away from all that. My loss of faith played a significant part in my depression. I don't know, maybe I'm worried that she's headed down the same path I went down and I'm trying to nip it in the bud so to speak. Or maybe I just hate all the bullshit that religion (specifically Christianity) entails.

Whatever the motivation, I've began to question my anti-religious role in her life. At the moment, I've issued a moratorium on any of my usually snipes at religion whenever she talks about her faith, and have temporarily ceased my "no jesus music in this house" ban. The reason I'm doing this is for a couple of reasons. 1.) The fear that I'm becoming as intolerant as the religion I have a distaste for. 2.) I don't have a problem with anyone non-related person being religious (as long as they don't shove it in my face) and hell I'll even pray to the god of my friends if they feel it will do them some good. But if my little sister asked me the same favor, not only do I feel I wouldn't but I'd probably cross-examine her on why she thinks that it works. So I feel there's a that I'm being hypocrite.

I think my situation is somewhat analogous to a white dude saying he has no issue with black people, who treats them just like anyone else in his normal interactions, but the day his daughter comes home with a black man he starts flipping. I definitely don't want to be in that kinda situation.

I'm not sure what I should do. My mom has clearly stated to me not interfere with my little sister's religious training, and she's not my daughter but I still don't like it. What I'm worried about is that I'm trying to "train" her to be anti-religious. If this was a perfect world where she could find her own way without being "trained", then yes I would be all for her finding her own way. But it's not. I see, no I know what's she's being put through (and yes I acknowledge the Catholic school system here does have some very good benefits that are hard to pass up) and yes it's very possible that she goes down a different path than me (like my other sister who really isn't all that religious but doesn't have the same issues with religion that I do).

but I just feel it isn't right. I just feel like saying no Jesus won't save you, no there isn't some old dude in the sky that listens to you, nobody knows where you go when you die. So I wonder, where does one draw the line? When does one begin to compromise one's own values when trying to accommodate another's? Sorry if this rambled/incoherent. I think I may have brought up more than one issue with tolerance but I'd appreciate any feedback.

[ellencho]

Have you thought about why you find it so hard to accept your sister's religiousness? Is it because of the religious beliefs themselves? Or is it because she believes differently from how you do?

I'm personally not a religious person myself and have never been. Yet at the same time, I have been around people of different faiths all of my life, and have learned to respect people's rights to worship how they wish, even if I disagree with their beliefs. I think the only time I would interfere with people's religious practices is if they were beginning to cause harm to themselves or harm to others (ie a cult).

[toml]

Is your sister enrolled in the Catholic school because your parents are religious or because they feel that school can give her a good education?

I too went to a Catholic grade school and for quite sometime, I bought into the whole thing. It wasn't until I got older that I started to question things, and when my teachers couldn't give me a good answer, that's when I stopped believing.

In your case, it's a tough call. The fact that your mom doesn't want you to interfere would probably be the biggest deciding factor.

Think of it this way, you turned out alright (and so did your other sister), so I'm sure she will to.

I think the BEST way to help your sister is to simply introduce her to other religions. But do it in a more historical way. Talk to her about other faiths so that she that one day she can make the decision for herself.

There's no point in telling her that it's a lie or a myth or anything like that (especially if she's young). You're just going to confuse her and she'll end up doing badly in school. So the best thing you can do is to simply supplement her knowledge.



The one thing that I hated about Christianity and Catholicism was the self hate. It was like nothing I did was ok. Every time I got angry, pissed, had fun, etc. meant that I sinned. And the only way to be good was to ask for forgiveness.

Ugh.

[JadeDragon]

I too went to a Christian school (Anglican, though) and had a hard time reconciling what I'd been taught by my parents and the stuff I was told while attending all those compulsory church activities. I did experience a crisis of faith when I was 9 because I was frightened of "going to hell" if I didn't believe in God in order to absolve my sins, as I'd been raised as a Chinese-Buddhist throughout my formative years.

I didn't have anyone to turn to at that time, so I figured that if I was already classified as a sinner, then I might as well do my own research into different faiths to see if they espoused similar principles. At one point, I even studied Wicca, even though I never fully participated in the rituals. So I'd agree with TomL in introducing your sister to other faiths in a more historical way and supplementing her knowledge; that was how I finally "chose" a faith for myself, and stopped doubting if I was doing "the right thing".

But it's also important to let her make her decision on her own, even if it may conflict with your own beliefs. I've met Christians who were happy being what they were, because they had their own ideas of God, and were strong enough to sift the bullshit from what they perceived to be the "truth". My little brother is an atheist, and has very pessimistic ideas about religion (including what I believe in), but I have no problem with it, as he arrived at that decision on his own and it makes him happy. But as Ellencho said, the only time I'd interfere with someone's religious practices is when it causes harm to himself/herself or to others.

[cattygurl]

I understand religion being a bitter pill. Both my parents are agnostics/atheists, I was raised non-religious with some Buddhist background (my mom's side o' the family are buddhist monks). Going from Japan to the Deep Sputh of Tennessee, right in the bible belt, was a big shock for me. I got hated on more for not being christian than anything else...

I've gone to private schools that were non-denominational judeochristian (that's what they described themselves). I even did a stint as an alter girl in Catholic church (to hang out with my friend Val).

The thing is, you don't want to tell your sister what to think. There's nothing wrong with teaching her from a young age *how* to think- and I think that's the key. What I mean by that it make her more aware, encourage her to ask questions. Prod and encourage her curiosity. Instill a sense of compassion and tolerance for others. They key isn't to teach her what to think, but to naturally encourage curiosity and interest in various subjects; encourage her to read, write, draw, observe, listen, express, doubt, question, and investigate. If she does ask you a religious question, be honest, kind and firm. By all means tailor your answer to her understanding. Don't discourage what she believes but encourage dialogue. also, let her know that doubt is okay and doubt is important, whether it's self-doubt or doubt about anything. We cannot, and we do not grow as an individual without self doubt or doubt about many things- we do not grow unless people and ideas challenging us, and we seize that opportunity to learn and grow. I am in no way an expert on this, but I do try. If you can in some way teach her to face challenges- whether they be people, ideas, etc- and learn from the dialogue/experience instead of simply teaching her simply to overcome or stomp out opposing/conflicting views, you have her much farther ahead of the game.

I've dealt with many kids that were religious in my short life tutoring kids during college.

This is my singular, one thing that religion does to many (but not all) people. It often stifles curiosity and questioning, whether it's questioning of self, others, the authority, what you see, what you hear, etc. My objective when dealing with religious kids was never to turn them away from their religion but to see the world through many lenses and not just one- I believe teaching is about opening the world to the kids, and my objective was to try to get kids to really enjoy learning and really revel in their curiosity.

If you can encourage your sister to do that, then regardless of her religious beliefs, she 's sure to make decisions on her own that will be beneficial to her throughout her life.

[B the student]

thanks for the responses. there's a lot of thinking I have to do, but your words will definitely be helpful. :)