The past year

[WuZhao]

My life wants to change so much, yet I have done so little. I haven't written anything since high school, for papers... but recently I want a way to express....


Itís odd to think that if no one asks how you are feeling for a long time
You might forget how to express those feelings, or perhaps forget they even exist
Someone once told me that ìhow are youî was never meant to be really answered
No one wants to hear that you are unhappy, or how you really felt
Distance. Numbness. Suppression. Denial. Vacuum.
Not sure if it came to be because no one asked, or because I was afraid to speak
And if I did, was it brushed off as nonsense, a passing phase, I donít even remember

[WuZhao]

dangggggg. I remember the east coast now.

hey u go to school out in ny right? sounds like you need to transfer out to the west coast and soak in some laid back enlightenment and find yourself.

man, i totally feel for ya tho. Maybe the voice just dies, unless you seek to invigorate it. or bask it in an environment where it can thrive by just being.

Actually went to school in philly, but guess I really could use some more easing in life.

[Dialectic]

You work pretty long hours on Wall Street, right? A lot of this may be a symptom of the pointlessness (to you) and stress of the job taking its toll. A similar thing happened to me while I was working in advertising, and it's kind of happening to a couple of my friends right now who are investment bankers.

[The Ram]

WuZhao, take the time to look inside,

and when doing so,

let not the fear of the unknown or truth limit your search...

What does your heart tell you to do?

[cattygurl]

WuZhao,

I work long hours all by myself in front of the computer. If I have supplies stockpiled, I've been known to stay home for weeks without leaving, 'cause of work.

It's an advice I also have to take, but it's important to take time off and just enjoy yourself. I start feeling like an empty shell sometimes, when all I do is eat, sleep and work. I feel like a mchine, not like a human being. The best cure for that (for me) is to take a day off and just have some fun, by myself or with ppl I care 'bout.

[The Ram]

I think many of us spend lots of time behind the computer..hence
we are able to participate on this forum!

I swear the computer and I have merged into this new entity...

[cattygurl]

Oh, I'm married to my imac. I cannot live without my computer or the internet.

I mean, if I had to pick between an significant other and my computer... that would be tough.

[Subversive]

Hey fellow workaholics... I've been through the cycle you're describing a few times. When I first graduated, I was totally urban, work hard and play harder. Its kind of strange, when work started taking over my life, I ended up going out more often just to balance out the work to play ratio. Parties, dinners, concerts...

My time became so precious that it was almost as if MY spare time was more important than anyone else's time.
For example, if someone was late for a dinner, or whatever, I'd actually get upset. You see, at this point I was working 16 hour days (plus 2.5 hours of commute), 7 days a week in a .com that I helped found. The stock market was crashing and we were trying raise VC. Tough time in my life... (In fact, my recent ex-girlfriend/fling/smokin' hot short almost-a-relationship ended because this is where she was at.)

Anyhow, after 2 years of this, and after growing this 4 person operation to 25 people, I really was spent emotionally and physically. I decided that I was done with the lifestyle. I placed priority on my relationships with my parents, friends, and partner again.

I've always found it hard to balance social life, success in my career, artistic passion, self actualization, academic/linguistic/cultural drive, athletic pursuits, fillial duties, and connecting my chin stubble, with my sideburn and upper lip stubble (that's a tough one). I really want it all. Why can't I have it all? Oh, and I missed sleep. I like to sleep.

I've always envied people who are able to sacrifice and focus. I guess now I've finally organized my priorities.... In no particular order, these are the things I will no longer compromise on in life:

1) my relationships with my parents, friends, and partner
2) my time for introspection and personal development
3) my financial sustainability/stability
4) my health

I have never been at more peace with my life. I know these categories sound generic, but I cannot survive with one without the other. I don't know where life will take me, but for the first time I'm no longer lost. Damn, it has taken a long time to figure out what was right for me.

Cattygurl, when you say its a tough choice between your computer and people, for me, it would be clear, I'd choose people. Material things and money are only tools to connect with people. The people in my life feed the soul, heal the heart and kick my ass when I'm outta line. No computer can do that... yet.....

S.

[WuZhao]

Thank you guys for the support. I guess I am caught in the situation like you said. After school, I spent a year working around the clock in finance in NY, weekends off was an extreme rarity. Now I just moved and still work about 14/hrs a day and more on days with projects due, but I guess its somewhat better.

But sometimes I think the changes I am making are just things around the edges. I guess part of my problem is that I haven't completely formulated exactly what it is that I want to do in life. I have a passion to do something with China, to help out somehow, but I haven't quite figured out where.

At the same time, everything I have thought about getting into really requires so much time and commitment that is a struggle, leaving very little time for personal life, friends, family.

Not sure what my plans are, but I guess my initial post was upon the reflection that I don't really express myself and what I want much anymore. Instead, I just plug away in front of my computer, on excel, on word, accepting that this is the way my life is suppose to be.

[The Ram]

WuZhao,

In some ways your avator is an analogy of your thread.

http://www.thefighting44s.com/discussion/images/avatars/2509655014105b08b261b0.jpg

The edges are coming apart, the image itself is starting
to loose physical integrity...what was once perfect is actually
not so perfect..jaded..disenegrating-it looks like you're in the midst of coming undone.

Any connection between what I said and the inspiration behind your
avator design? And is that picture of yourself?

[cattygurl]

At the same time, everything I have thought about getting into really requires so much time and commitment that is a struggle, leaving very little time for personal life, friends, family.


I know very well about working all the time and not having time for anything else... the only thing that saves my ass is that I'm working out of my house.

One thing I've learned is that even small differences count. When I was younger, I was a lot more gung-ho and never felt like I was making enough of a difference. When you decide to get involed in whatever efforts you choose to help, always know that the big changes can never happen without the small ones, even if they seem insignificant to you.

[JadeDragon]

One thing I've learned is that even small differences count. When I was younger, I was a lot more gung-ho and never felt like I was making enough of a difference. When you decide to get involed in whatever efforts you choose to help, always know that the big changes can never happen without the small ones, even if they seem insignificant to you.

Catty's right. No one individual can accomplish every venture available in the world. It takes time and effort from many other people too. Even if your own efforts in the ventures you have undertaken may seem insignificant, the truth is that you're learning new things about yourself and other people (and how to deal with them) along the way, whether you're aware of it or not.

I didn't have a clue what I was going to do with the rest of my life when I was a teenager. I always thought I was going to go into Science/Engineering and work for some faceless corporation when I graduated, because that was what my parents taught me. But I had some kind of epiphany later, and realised that even though I had responsibilities towards my family, it was all right for me to experiment with what I truly wanted to do, because in the end, it is my own life.

If your passion is to go to China and help out, even if you have no idea of how you can help, it won't hurt to explore your options. Perhaps there's an American-based Chinese organisation that requires aid? I wish you the best of luck in whatever you do.

*HUGS* :D

[AngryEthiopian]

Yea girl, if it wern't for my photography I'd go insane...
I understand that desire to do something... you just gotta take little steps forward. It's the little things that keep us going.
*hugs*

[WuZhao]

Thank you :-D for all the encouragement and the *hugs*

I guess I am currently working in that faceless corporation. But hopefully things will change. i guess I can't expect things to be different overnight. I don't want to depend on my parents in case I fail so I feel like i'm stuck in this until I save up more money to do something else. Or even go to school. Grad school is so expensive these days.

I think a lot of the problem really is that I don't know what direction I want to take things. But I guess until I find another path, i'm going to keep at this job for another year or two and maybe go to law school. I really don't like legal reading or memorizing stuff though, but I think it would be important to understand the law and maybe go into policy.

When I talk to my friends at work, they always seem to think that if I really want to help then I should focus on doing well in my career and earn money to donate, while that does sound like one way to go about it, for example, it is always cited, that for $40/year you can put a kid in rural china through school. If I can donate $4000/year, that is 100 kids that I can put through school. and If I stick to my path, I can probably donate more than that per year. Is this the best way or me to contribute then?? The alternative, as presented by people in our jobs, is that we quit our jobs and be one of the workers on the ground.

While I tend to think this role as just a monetary source shelters us from taking real responsibility, is it more beneficial. Would I then be doing what will maximize my value to this society. To provide funding...?

[WuZhao]

WuZhao,

In some ways your avator is an analogy of your thread.

http://www.thefighting44s.com/discussion/images/avatars/2509655014105b08b261b0.jpg

The edges are coming apart, the image itself is starting
to loose physical integrity...what was once perfect is actually
not so perfect..jaded..disenegrating-it looks like you're in the midst of coming undone.

Any connection between what I said and the inspiration behind your
avator design? And is that picture of yourself?

Hey... I never really thought about the avatar that way. Unfortunately, I just took a picture and fooled around with it. I guess I was trying to hide myself, but I think that was more a function that this is over the internet.

But I do feel like I am coming undone. Like someone had put in so much effort to make me the "perfect citizen" to this society. To not really think about other issues and know that I should work and will be rewarded for the work. But now I am becoming unsure of whether that path is what I want. More discontent with this path that is sketched out for me.

Sometimes I get this odd idea that my parents brought me up and therefore I owe them a return. I owe them the return on their investment. They paid for food, clothing, shelter, school. I must do something that will at least earn all of that back so that I'm not of a negative value.... Its an odd and depressing thought, but somewhere I am weighted by the responsibility of that thought.

[DijabutiA]

You don't need to worry about money, most places need people to volunteer to help than getting funding; maybe you should try volunteering somewhere. Try looking up the Kiwanis Organization; I worked through them in Key Club, back when I was in Highschool. I volunteered at an elementary school, helping kids improve their reading. Maybe you can help immigrants learn English or something, I dont know. Dont get stuck on money, start volunteering and you'll know who needs what.

[Dialectic]

Damn, Ram, that's a fine observation!

But I do feel like I am coming undone. Like someone had put in so much effort to make me the "perfect citizen" to this society. To not really think about other issues and know that I should work and will be rewarded for the work. But now I am becoming unsure of whether that path is what I want. More discontent with this path that is sketched out for me.

WZ, I have felt very similar to this, and still do. I'm presently in a situation that I could not have predicted coming out of a prestigious business school, and it's a direct result of internal tension that has built for years and years.

Sometimes I get this odd idea that my parents brought me up and therefore I owe them a return. I owe them the return on their investment. They paid for food, clothing, shelter, school. I must do something that will at least earn all of that back so that I'm not of a negative value.... Its an odd and depressing thought, but somewhere I am weighted by the responsibility of that thought.

This feeling is certainly there as well, particular when I first graduated and couldn't find a job immediately. This is very difficult to resolve, and I would definitely like to be able to give significantly back to my parents one day (though they do not expect it), but I'm not sure if the path I'm taking is ever going to give me that kind of money or prestige.

[Subversive]

WZ, D,

About the repayment to the folks, I've felt, and still feel the same way. While I'll never be able to repay them monetarily for the sacrifices they've made (my parents were the archetypical poor immigrants scraping up every penny to raise their son/daughter). I've found that they're happiest when I take time out of my life to spend with them, and really talk to them. As a result, our relationship has never been better. They've mellowed out about my career/gf/life direction and stuff, and I've come to appreciate what they've been through to give me everything I have.

My parents never liked it when I bought gifts and stuff. My offering them money now would probably be met with the same ambivalence. I didn't understand why for the longest time... But the epiphany came to me when I realized that they don't need anything material. They've gotten by on much less than they have now. What they want/need is my time and my company.

Actually, I just recently found out that my mom (the eldest of 10 siblings, and daughter to my grandfather's 3rd wife), started her life with the heaviest of burdens, raising her brothers and sisters with no money. They literally ate roots they dug up from the ground until my grandfather could establish his construction business, thereafter, life became much better. With this knowledge, I'm finally able to understand and accept some of my mom's habits...

Anyhow, I know when I have kids I'll be doting on them the way my parents did me. Maybe the whole parenting thing is a pay-it-forward kind of deal, where each generation of kids benefits from their parents efforts.

S.

[JadeDragon]

WZ, D,

About the repayment to the folks, I've felt, and still feel the same way. While I'll never be able to repay them monetarily for the sacrifices they've made (my parents were the archetypical poor immigrants scraping up every penny to raise their son/daughter). I've found that they're happiest when I take time out of my life to spend with them, and really talk to them. As a result, our relationship has never been better. They've mellowed out about my career/gf/life direction and stuff, and I've come to appreciate what they've been through to give me everything I have.

My parents never liked it when I bought gifts and stuff. My offering them money now would probably be met with the same ambivalence. I didn't understand why for the longest time... But the epiphany came to me when I realized that they don't need anything material. They've gotten by on much less than they have now. What they want/need is my time and my company.

Sometimes I get this odd idea that my parents brought me up and therefore I owe them a return. I owe them the return on their investment. They paid for food, clothing, shelter, school. I must do something that will at least earn all of that back so that I'm not of a negative value.... Its an odd and depressing thought, but somewhere I am weighted by the responsibility of that thought.

I'm in a similar situation myself. I find that my parents are happiest when I'm home for the holidays, even if it's just to mope around the house and not do anything productive. :oops: We've already talked about the possibilities in my future (how wanky does that sound?) and all my dad wants is for me to be able to take care of myself, socially and financially. My mom has higher ideals, such as the requisite white picket fence and the 2.5 kids (heh), but basically she wants the same. They don't even expect to help them out in assisting my siblings!

However, I don't expect to marry partly because I'm not the kind of person others would desire as an appropriate spouse, so I'm planning to be responsible for my family until everyone's happy and settled. Then, I'll hie myself off and spend the rest of my life writing, singing or even joining religious orders. I also love kids, so starting an orphanage is another possibility. I know it's a nearly insurmountable idea, but I've never been one to back down from a worthy challenge. :lol:

[The Ram]

JD, you shouldn't say you would never marry because you aren't
marriage material...You'll marry one day, whether it's a girl or guy.

WZ:
From reading the posts, having been exposed to such high
expectations from the family, it can be very difficult now to reconcile
the balance between family & self.

I believe your parents would ultimately seek for you to
find the path that brings yourself happiness even if it isn't
the way they would desire for themselves.

All of you sound very successful and intelligent, but overworked.
There must be some sort of middle path, or compromise?

No matter if you tackle this now or later, this issue must be
addressed, or it'll fester into a large demon inside.

[KeJia Sista]

Overwork can make us crazy. Make us lose our balance, lose our path. Even though I've been lucky enough to work on issues I supported, doing it 7 days a week for months at a time; while I was also homeschooling until last year -- had taken me to the point when I had to sit down and do a reality check and re-evaulations.

My goals are still the same, but I'm trying a new road to achieve them. We've also just moved the office to our apt. - the old lady downstairs will bytch about any noise; but the time and money saved is worth it in the peace of mind. Now I'm actually able to spend more time here wid da 44's.

Its not up and running yet; but each day I'm getting it together. Changes are not optional; when you run on empty for too long there are serious consequences. I didnt realize you were in NYC. Maybe we can make a jailbreak for a few hours and see a play or something, or just plot the personal battleplan.

Walk In Harmony.

KeJia