Kids on the Bus

[Dialectic]

In addition to the business I run with Lopan, I also work evening hours from 4 to 10:30 on the weekdays. I'm actually at work right now.

Everyday, I take a street car, then the subway, then a bus to get to the office. Since I start work when all the schools and offices are winding down, sometimes a TON of kids around junior high age get on the bus with me. They're all pretty well off, and their ethnicities vary like crazy: Blacks, Browns, Asians, and actually very few Whites, lots of girls and guys. It's actually getting to the point where I recognize a bunch of them and have ideas of their personalities.

So today me and my colleague are standing in the middle of a bunch of them, and there's a little Asian dude on my left, and another one on my right. And they're the only kids out of all the little groups who are sitting alone, and not really talking to anyone. All the rest: the Asian girls, the guy and girl Browns and Blacks, they're all mixed into little groups of 2s or 3s or 4s, screaming and swearing and laughing and all the rest, but not these two little dudes. One of them threw a crumped up paper at a girl hoping for attention but didn't get any, and the other was tentatively gonna play cards with this Brown kid sitting away from him.

And I was standing there in the middle of all this (dressed cool as FUCK I might add) thinking "damn, this is how it is." They just don't fit in: they're just not cool. They had the worst clothes and the worst haircuts and the geekiest and least confident demeanors. I wanted to grab them and shake them and tell them to SHAPE the fuck up, but of course I didn't, just kept watching how shit worked out, watching the little AFs talk to everyone but them (and I am NOT assigning blame, 'cause everyone contributes to this situation), watching how they just didn't know how to move and talk and interact, and then I got off the bus.

[cattygurl]

Takes me back to my childhood.

In third grade, my friends, as well as m'self, were the class pariah geeks with bad haircuts that most of the kids didn't talk to. They were cool as hell and smart as fuck. I DID have a lot of fun chasing frogs, trading books (got into sci-fi during this time), playing Spaceship and climbing trees with the guys. I felt sorry for Jason, who was from a religious jewsih family. Everyone made fun of the "saucer" on his head. The worst time was Xmas when he got shit on for being a jew.

[Dialectic]

The thing with these two little guys (and little AMs in general who fit this mold, and there are many), was I could see their future. And I could see it so clearly and so certainly: I was like a time traveller who came back to warn all the kids what was gonna happen, only to find out no matter what I did, the future I was from would still come to pass.

[cattygurl]

This is just my 2 cents after dealing with a lot of kids, and just being in the company of a lot of people over the years.

When I see "nerdy" kids, I find that a lot fo them are bright, sensitive, and often, kind, soft people. A lot of my friends and I share an awkward background of growing up as outcasts. Many of them were the "geeky" and "shy" kids that were ostracized from their peers. Some of them have very, very healthy, fulfilling lives, and others have a lot of frustration in their lives.

The one thing I see in common with a lot of the kids that are frustrated: their parents. Most of the time, I see parents that stunted social development of their children at some point their lives. Many have non-affectionate parents. The parents were deeply caring, but they weren't very good in the emotional support and encouragement department. Often, they were tough love people- except they didn't know that you also have to also balance that out with affection and encouragement. Also, some parents' don't focus on their children's social skills. They don't encourage them to have friends, to play, etc. Some even discourage it. One of my friend talk about never being allowed to sleep over at friend's houses, and vice-versa. His friends weren't really welcome at his house to play. his parents only let him play with the kids of their friends- which weren't many at all, and very limited in frequency. He got beaten for B's, but never praised for A's. They discouraged him from a lot of activities, considering them "frivulous." As he got older, he wasn't allowed to date. No, he wasn't an abused child. It's apparent that his parents wanted the best for him. They didn't think that discouraging him from socializing would have impact in his life. As an adult, he's socially awkward, and very shy. He doesn't know how to present himself in social situations. He doesn't have a lot of friends. No, he's not Asian- he's actually Jewish.

Gary Park is a guy that I knew in college. He was a soft-spoken guy, yet very confident and very generous. He was also very charming and witty. He looked like the "typical" Asian guy- thin build, glasses. While he was unassuming in appearance, people listened to him because he was an assured and confident guy. While he's had him share of problems in the dating market, he's always managed to find girlfriends. When he talks about his family, I hear a lot of love and support. His parents always made him feel good about himself, constantly encouraged him. He was given opportunities to play sports (soccer), play instruments (piano), and partake in various interests. His parents also encouraged him to have friends regardless of race, go out and have fun with his friends, and his house was always a gathering spot for the friends of him and his siblings. I think the reason that he's such a well-balanced individual is the fact that his parents maintained an environment of nurturing positive self-esteem, and encouraged him to reach out to people and develop social skills. Was he bullied in school? Absolutely. Yet, he always had friends (mostly other geeky kids), and he had a lot of fun with them. He also was able to escape negativity from school at home and through extracurricular activities.

I've worked with kids, and I have no issues with kids being "geeky" or "nerdy." I never try to change who they are, I treat them like I treat any other kids. I encourage their positive aspects, encourage their interests, and try to foster an environment of self-esteem. With the smart, quiet kids, I tend to give them praise during group activities where other kids will notice, and as they develop confidence, push them into the position of group leader, instead of letting kids pick the leader during activities. Some don't get intergrated as much as others, and for the ones that don't, I make sure that they know that they're great and there's nothing wrong with them, and give them extra helping of private encouragement on the side. When dealing with bullies, I try to encourage them during solitary acitvities, and I keep an eye out during group projects. I also give them extra encouragement when they cooperate with others.

I don't believe that being "geeky" is in no way a handicap, if that's who you are. It's your ability to find support, self-worth and self-confidence that makes or breaks a lot of people in life.

[cattygurl]

When I see shy, sensitive, "geeky" kids, I look at their parents. Do I see them playing and enjoying themselves with others (even if it's other geeky kids)? Are the parents nurturing and encouraging? Do the parents encourage extracurricular activities? Encourage their kids to socialize? While the geeky kids will have bumps, kids growing up in a nurturing, loving environment will grow up to be happy, healthy nerds (I'd like to think that I'm emotionally healthy. Maybe mentally insane- but emotionally on an even keel). IMHO, I've rarely seen a socially frustrated nerdy kid where the parents encouraged healthy social behavior and provided lots of positive encouragement.

[The Ram]

Man what a terrible story.
That is quite depressing to hear...I wish there was
something you could have done..but these kids will
hopefully grow out of the nerd phase.

[rising7]

I was one of those kids. I dunno if it has much to do with my parents... I don't think they would've helped me find a niche in school. I did find a niche in music but I got seriously fucked up in the head by guys who sexually harassed me (my taste of AM emasculation). I really hope this isn't common.

Anyway, I hope they'll find their own niche and that they won't think of being on the debate team or head of a math club as a bad thing. It's stupid guys who hate smart guys, I tell ya.

[silkie]

You all have valid points, and I definitely share your concerns.
I wasn't a nerd or always picked on, but nevertheless wasn't a life of the party. (I rock at math though...tried not to be but can't help it :wink: )

I often feel compelled to take care of my cousins when theu come into this the US for this very reason, although they all go to boarding schools so I don't see them often.

One thing I did appreciate was that when at an age when I was feeling awkward, the whole dating disparity issue was not as prominent... it either didn't exist or I was not aware of it. As a result, I did feel certain kinship with other Asian girls in a predominantly white town; although nothing intimate evolved out of them, for one reason or others.

If today's Asian kids goes through something different, as D.'s post exhibits, I really can't tell you how I might end up otherwise.

Best of luck to those kids...

[JadeDragon]

I was a typical nerd in grade/high school too; glasses, braces, preoccupied with grades, and always on the fringe. In fact, I didn't have any close friends at all back then and would often retreat into self-loathing, wishing that I was someone else or even non-existent. Of course, it didn't help that the popular crowd liked picking on me as well...

I would agree with Cattygurl that parents exert a large amount of influence over how their kids are going to turn out. My parents love my siblings and me, but they weren't very good at expressing that love. Our grades were also emphasised above all else, and as a result, the development of our social skills were largely ignored. My brother is now facing the same problem that I endured when I was younger. My sister managed to escape the label of "nerd" because she "rebelled" by hanging out with the popular crowd and not concentrating on her studies as much as my brother and I did (not saying that this is a bad thing, considering the sheer amount of tuition and piano lessons we had as well).

When I was diagnosed with my brain malformation, after a bit of soul-searching and plenty of heart-to-heart talks with my parents, I just thought "fuck this shit" and began doing all kinds of things that I'd always wanted to do but never had the guts to before. Like opting for an Arts degree instead of the Science (Engineering) one that I had gotten in the first place, experimenting with body modifications, and learning how to DJ. My parents don't exactly approve, but they're willing to compromise now. They've also become a little more affectionate and lenient with my siblings and me, and I'm hoping that this will have a positive impact on my brother and sister, because they need this support while they're going through their teenage years. I'm also making myself available to them any time they need me, even though I'm nowhere near home right now :lol: .

But if you ask me now if I would change anything about my childhood/teens given the chance, I'd say no, because my life experiences have shaped me into the person that I am today. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

[fr.]

And I was standing there in the middle of all this (dressed cool as FUCK I might add) thinking "damn, this is how it is." They just don't fit in: they're just not cool. They had the worst clothes and the worst haircuts and the geekiest and least confident demeanors. I wanted to grab them and shake them and tell them to SHAPE the fuck up, but of course I didn't, just kept watching how shit worked out, watching the little AFs talk to everyone but them (and I am NOT assigning blame, 'cause everyone contributes to this situation), watching how they just didn't know how to move and talk and interact, and then I got off the bus.

I hope they grow out of it. They need to learn some social skills. Hopefully they will pick up soon and not in their 20's or 30's.

Also, some parents' don't focus on their children's social skills. They don't encourage them to have friends, to play, etc. Some even discourage it. One of my friend talk about never being allowed to sleep over at friend's houses, and vice-versa. His friends weren't really welcome at his house to play. his parents only let him play with the kids of their friends- which weren't many at all, and very limited in frequency. He got beaten for B's, but never praised for A's. They discouraged him from a lot of activities, considering them "frivulous."

Yeah, they need to have their parents open their eyes before it's too late or break out of that mold and not listen to them for their own good.


When I was diagnosed with my brain malformation

Are you going to be okay?

[awong]

Maybe I got lucky...

...
My parents I guess b/c being born and raised in Cuba same with my mom's sister and some relatives who came as kids from China didn't like what their parents put them through so they ended up raising the kids differently. I know my mom has said many times she felt disconnected from her mom and didn't want that with us. They pushed us, but also realized that sometimes bad grades happen and like with me biology isn't your thing so squeaking by in their with a low grade was acceptable.

Thing is, somehow for me I am different from my siblings. They have no problems socially and we are all raised the same, encouraged to do sports, etc. Somehow I ended up anti-social and kind of nerdy. But I always had no problem meeting friends. It was just those who saw me randomly at school sometimes would say things. I guess its how I had myself on the outside. B/c once they actually talked to me about other things like sports and cars, their opinion changed. Execpt for a few...but then again...those were the jocks with no real future in life other than high school as their high point. I guess I may just be a picky person and prejudged people to the point that I hated them too easily and never gave some a chance hence the probably over seriousness and getting picked on...

I probably do still have problems socially, like opening up or talking and meeting new people, but I have gotten better since middle school. Then again middle school was bad, nothing good happened. Thing with me is, I accept I am a nerd and I have no problems with the image. Especially if I am still happy with myself. Unlike my siblings who hate the image, but still want to do well in school.

[fr.]

I know how you feel, especially about picking your spots and how it's important to like yourself even though your siblings don't have the same attitude towards your image.

[cattygurl]

I did find a niche in music but I got seriously fucked up in the head by guys who sexually harassed me (my taste of AM emasculation). I really hope this isn't common.


I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's a horrible thing to go through for anyone.

I was a super-geek as a kid. I never wore glasses, I wasn't quiet, but I was an outcast and I got picked on by everyone, except for a few great friends.

Society puts so much enough pressures on kids to conform to a certain standard. People outside the standard often end up feeling less desirable/worthy. I know I've been there. My sister was also nerdy and geeky, but I always fared better in the social department because I fought back and found ways to find shelter, while she remained an open target.

Having parents that encouraged outside interests, private and group lessons of activities, give active encouragement, and socialization in general helped greatly when dealing with self-esteem. My sister went through an especially rought period at one time, but she's a happy, healthy individual and I credit a lot of parental support for her ending up healthy instead of emotionally warped and stunted.

My dad was old-school and he was from the school of thinking that "support was for wussies." his idea was to yell and threaten his kids into A's. My mom put a stop to that early, and while he grumbled endlessly, he did work hard to provide dance/piano/art/pottery/what have you lessons. He encouraged us indirectly by proudly accepting and bringing our handiwork to his office. We weren't wealthy by any stretch. My dad drove a *used* 1975 Cutlass Sierra until 1992. We ate out maybe three times a year at most, including fast food. My parents shopped for everyone's clothes at the discount/second-hand stores, and my mom made a lot of our clothes from the discount bin at the fabric store (my mom was a kick-ass seamstress). While my dad rarely, if ever, showed outward affection, my mom made up for it in spades.

Some kids will always be "geeky" or "nerdy." There's nothing wront with the qualities of a nerd or a geek- someone that's usually an independent thinker, quiet, reserved, shy, intelligent. It's society that puts the negative connotations to these qualities. When I've worked with kids, I've always done my best to make them feel good about themselves, feel good about being an independent thinker and not a follower, and accentuate the positive. Some people are always going to have a harder time with socializing- but I've found that some people are seriously stunted in this department.

Fundamentally, people need to be able to form long-lasting, meaningful, caring friendships with others. People that have close, deep friendships tend to have a much healthy mentality than people that are unable to form bonds with others (whether it's the total lack of friends, or the party animals who knows everyone, but has no real friends).

It's very hard to develop self-esteem for kids that aren't gregarious, active, social and attractive. Even then, the kids often end up with all kinds of neurosis and pathologies. I'm still a walking textbook for the DMSR (the medical definitions of mental ilness). Parents need to push children to be the best they can be, but they need to balance out any pressure with a healthy dose of enthusiams and support. The reason I like to encourage diversifying interests in kids is because it makes you less dependent on others (when you can entertain yourself). It also makes you a more intersting individual- and it gives you more to find in common/enjoy with others as well as yourself.

[dragon]

I did a brief stint as a system's admin at a local ISP and routinely would go out to customer sites to do broadband installs.

I remember going out to this one Korean gentleman's home in Memorial (rich suburb of Houston). He owned a newspaper and was your usual geeky, ultra-educated, over-achiever type. But, it was just something about the home that I couldn't pin...something very unsettling and "not right".

While I was doing my installs, his kids came home, and they were equally geeky as fuck, and had the spelling-bee trophies and academic awards that cemented any reservations I might have had of their "insufferable-nerd" status. But, they were nice enough, very well-adjusted, polite boys.

Then, I finally figured it out...this motherfucken' house didn't have a T.V.!!! Not one friggin' T.V. in this whole mug! With much dread, I finally found my nutsack and confronted the father about this anomaly.

He explained that he doesn't allow his children to watch ANY T.V. at all, thus the lack of any entertainment center in their home. He said that they've never watched T.V. at home...ever...and are only allowed to read books, newspapers...and maybe, only when they've made exceedingly (or, for me inconceivably) good grades - they can surf the net, under extreme supervision.

I left that evening crying, traumatized for months on end by the deplorable conditions that I'd witnessed at that home. Those poor kids...that heartless bastard. What the hell is wrong with us Asians....

[AngryEthiopian]

I left that evening crying, traumatized for months on end by the deplorable conditions that I'd witnessed at that home. Those poor kids...that heartless bastard. What the hell is wrong with us Asians....
LMAO! I think you're joking, but if i'm wrong then oops! LOL.
Anyway, my mom was the same, she home-schooled us right out of West Oakland, California. Right in the middle of the blocks that gave birth to the 21st street and 18th street gangs who caused havoc and mass murder throughout the 90s when I was growing up. There were times when the Task force would chase criminals through our house (this neighborhood carried the trend of people running through anyones houses in order to escape the cops, you just had to make sure you wern't trampled and try to enjoy your sunday dinner) while we were studying and we'd just have to keep on studying and not make a big fuss over all the teenagers being chased by cops in our living room. Someone even hid a crack sack under my moms mattress once during a trans-home raid.

During these years we did not have a tv and many people offered to give us one because they thought the reason we didn't have one is cause the single mom couldn't afford one, but she'd always turn down the offers because "they don't need to watch tv anyway". So that's the way we lived for many years, the highest concentration on the 10 virtues of ethiopian science as well as bible studies and US/Black history. It's what turned me into the person I am today. It's what kept me from ending up with 5 kids by the time I was 22, and on welfare, a stereotype that so many people assume girls of my race will end up as. By the time we had a tv I already enjoyed books more, so by the time I was 14, I was making weekly trips to the library to satisfy my addiction to the literary arts. This enabled me to teach myself many things during my spare time instead of watching a bunch of tv. I taught myself to garden, learning all the chemicals that naturally exist in soil to aid in propogation, I even dreamed of becoming a horticulturalist. I taught myself photography, painting, drawing, and computer sciences like programming, and arts like photoshop =). Thank God my mom kept us away from the tv.

[dragon]

I left that evening crying, traumatized for months on end by the deplorable conditions that I'd witnessed at that home. Those poor kids...that heartless bastard. What the hell is wrong with us Asians....
LMAO! I think you're joking, but if i'm wrong then oops! LOL.
Anyway, my mom was the same, she home-schooled us right out of West Oakland, California. Right in the middle of the blocks that gave birth to the 21st street and 18th street gangs who caused havoc and mass murder throughout the 90s when I was growing up. There were times when the Task force would chase criminals through our house (this neighborhood carried the trend of people running through anyones houses in order to escape the cops, you just had to make sure you wern't trampled and try to enjoy your sunday dinner) while we were studying and we'd just have to keep on studying and not make a big fuss over all the teenagers being chased by cops in our living room. Someone even hid a crack sack under my moms mattress once during a trans-home raid.

During these years we did not have a tv and many people offered to give us one because they thought the reason we didn't have one is cause the single mom couldn't afford one, but she'd always turn down the offers because "they don't need to watch tv anyway". So that's the way we lived for many years, the highest concentration on the 10 virtues of ethiopian science as well as bible studies and US/Black history. It's what turned me into the person I am today. It's what kept me from ending up with 5 kids by the time I was 22, and on welfare, a stereotype that so many people assume girls of my race will end up as. By the time we had a tv I already enjoyed books more, so by the time I was 14, I was making weekly trips to the library to satisfy my addiction to the literary arts. This enabled me to teach myself many things during my spare time instead of watching a bunch of tv. I taught myself to garden, learning all the chemicals that naturally exist in soil to aid in propogation, I even dreamed of becoming a horticulturalist. I taught myself photography, painting, drawing, and computer sciences like programming, and arts like photoshop =). Thank God my mom kept us away from the tv.

You over-achieving, insufferable geek! :wink:

[AngryEthiopian]

And for the record, I was a gotdamned nerd to the bone, but I could whoop any muthafucka's ass if they got in my face or wanted beef (or chicken or turkey, cause I'm a vegetarian muthafuckas!). I was shy as fuck and had awkward stages like everyone else... but eventually I grew out of it and blossomed to the overconfident nutjob that I am today :lol: :wink:

[dragon]

And for the record, I was a gotdamned nerd to the bone, but I could whoop any muthafucka's ass if they got in my face or wanted beef (or chicken or turkey, cause I'm a vegetarian muthafuckas!). I was shy as fuck and had awkward stages like everyone else... but eventually I grew out of it and blossomed to the overconfident nutjob that I am today :lol: :wink:

One fine-ass nuttjob to boot! :wink:

[cattygurl]

He explained that he doesn't allow his children to watch ANY T.V. at all, thus the lack of any entertainment center in their home. He said that they've never watched T.V. at home...ever...and are only allowed to read books, newspapers...and maybe, only when they've made exceedingly (or, for me inconceivably) good grades - they can surf the net, under extreme supervision.


Great post, AE. I'm going to add a bit to her post. It's not the complete lack of TV that's the issue here- my parents let me watch TV for only 30 minutes a day. I was allowed to watch educational TV (like Nova and National Geographic type stuff). However, the TV was used for watching movies. My dad loved movies so he allowed us to watch movies on the weekends (if our grades were good).

The question to this parent would be if they're excluding their children from having connections with others. Do they allow their kids to go over to their friends' houses? do they allow their kids to bring their friends home? Do they allow their kids to go see movies? Do they allow the kids to explore their personal interests, or do they only allow interestes that are considered "educational" or "academic." It's not the TV that's the issue, but probably the gut instict that the parents are actively styming the kid's social skills.

[cattygurl]

I'm all for supporting your kids to do their best academically. You often have to push kids to do their best. However, some parents fail to realize how much having self-confidence, leadership skills (which you don't learn if you're socially ostracized), and basic social graces can make or break a career. In this day and age, having a degree doesn't necessarily get you a paying job. We all know that in human society, hard work isn't the only thing that can get you to the top. Obviously, self-motivation and drive is extremely important, but it's ***much*** easier to advance in your career if you know how to market yourself- which is one of the basic functions of socialization.

[bluejives]

The thing with these two little guys (and little AMs in general who fit this mold, and there are many), was I could see their future. And I could see it so clearly and so certainly: I was like a time traveller who came back to warn all the kids what was gonna happen, only to find out no matter what I did, the future I was from would still come to pass.

hmmmm. sounds like a great plot for a macromedia flash animation movie or a derek dirk kim style comic book.