generaltojo
Oct 10th, 2004, 05:25 PM
I guess the Tojo persona has been a bit cryptic throughout 700+ posts (i.e. not to many personal revelations, some political pontification bolstered with a few personal anectdotes, mostly satirical content, sarcasm up the wazoo, possible homicidal / suicidal edge sneaking through now and then.)
So maybe it's time to get a bit personal.
I admit it: I am an Angry Asian Male. Have been for a long, long time. I've thought long and hard about how it all started, and have come to the conclusion that there isn't any one reason - indeed, I think each and every individual is shaped by a multitude of options - forced or chosen - we encounter in this meandering creek we call life. The fact that 44 does contain a disproportionate number of Angry Asian dudes does say, however, that it's an ethno-social phenomenon (much like the DQ phenomenon) that bears examination and discussion, both heated and objective. And I praise Allah that a forum with such great people exists to explore these issues as such.
But a few things that have happened to me over the past few weeks have forced me to really look at the things I believe in, and the way I'm going about resolving them - both in the personal and political arena. I won't bore you with the details, but I think I've come to the conclusion that being an Angry Asian Male is not someone I want to be. It's not how I want to live my life. It's righteous, but it does not fulfill. It's just not for me.
It's actually quite the stunning realization, really. It's as if I'd been trapped in a dark, narrow tunnel for years, and suddenly, somehow, a crack of light made it's way through. And I break open this crack and see the big bright world outside, and now I'm a little... embarrassed, I guess. That unbeknownst to me, I actually let myself get caught in this tunnel. And I'm even a little scared about leaving it - there's something about being absolutely convinced that you are right and they are wrong and that the fanatical path you've been following will result in eternal Salvation and Glory... well, it was a damned comfortable tunnel, let's just leave it at that.
But was it all bad? Absolutely not. The issues and concerns in this tunnel are, at the end of the day, important things that must be addressed in the cause of exploring the notion of Asian identity. The focus and obsession of being in this tunnel has made me sharp as a knife - in the arena of combat in regards to these issues, no one can beat me, I'm confident I will always be able to FINISH HIM! in Mortal Kombatese.
But the fact remains that I feel pretty good now that I'm out of this tunnel. Whereas seeing the multitude of Dairy Queens in my area used to piss me off and generate force and aggression in me, now... well, it still pisses me off, but I'm actually able to shrug it off. Be philosophical about it sometimes, jokey about it other, even viciously funny about it if I'm around the right people. It's not too bad - not everything has to be psychotically-detailed analysis (and I've got tomes of it archived to revisit in the future, thanks to 44.)
It feels pretty good. Pretty darned good. To be able to enjoy life without being so goddamned constrained by the socio-ethno chains of love. Not sure if I can stay completetly free of those chains - every day, something on TV comes up that pisses me off. But I'ma gonna try. At least for a little while.
And now, I'm presented with a choice. I can either climb back in, continue with a path that I am convinced is right and just, and go down like a captain with his ship - in flames, knowing that the force and aggression and obsession is, in fact, for a cause that is right and just.
Or I can relax a bit, walk around, purchase a good flashlight, and revisit that tunnel as an explorer... maybe in a few months, a year, a few years. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Race.
I choose option 2.
Does that mean I'm out of 44? Nope. Everyone has dark days - if and when I do, I'll vent here because I know I can and I know that there's a reasonably sympathetic and highly intelligent base of people here who get it, who know the darkness is not within me, that I am not the source... it was just the path that I fell into. A good friend said that in order to really become a full person, we must embrace the darkness - not become obsessed with it, nor run away from it, but really accept it as a valuable part of yourself. For me, I've come to realize that you can't embrace it if it is all around you.
I guess the choice I'm making... it's not for everyone, I suppose. As I've said so many times before, we all have our own path to follow, and if this is a time in your life that you want to ride the darkness, more power to you, I know where you're coming from, and I will do my darndest to support you, and gently prod you so you don't hit the concrete median and spin out of control, taking several cars and a tanker truck out with you and become so much socio-ethno roadkill in the merciless highway interchange that is life.
In any case, I'm glad I've found a place - right here, 44 - where I can voice such a pronouncement - not because I want the props, or the ego massage of replies and responses, but because I've seen so much of what you've all had to say, and most of it is so fucking good and heartening and varied and I think you'd understand and appreciate where it's coming from and it makes me so goddamned proud to be part of something that could make such a huge difference for us in the future.
44 fo life, yo.
So maybe it's time to get a bit personal.
I admit it: I am an Angry Asian Male. Have been for a long, long time. I've thought long and hard about how it all started, and have come to the conclusion that there isn't any one reason - indeed, I think each and every individual is shaped by a multitude of options - forced or chosen - we encounter in this meandering creek we call life. The fact that 44 does contain a disproportionate number of Angry Asian dudes does say, however, that it's an ethno-social phenomenon (much like the DQ phenomenon) that bears examination and discussion, both heated and objective. And I praise Allah that a forum with such great people exists to explore these issues as such.
But a few things that have happened to me over the past few weeks have forced me to really look at the things I believe in, and the way I'm going about resolving them - both in the personal and political arena. I won't bore you with the details, but I think I've come to the conclusion that being an Angry Asian Male is not someone I want to be. It's not how I want to live my life. It's righteous, but it does not fulfill. It's just not for me.
It's actually quite the stunning realization, really. It's as if I'd been trapped in a dark, narrow tunnel for years, and suddenly, somehow, a crack of light made it's way through. And I break open this crack and see the big bright world outside, and now I'm a little... embarrassed, I guess. That unbeknownst to me, I actually let myself get caught in this tunnel. And I'm even a little scared about leaving it - there's something about being absolutely convinced that you are right and they are wrong and that the fanatical path you've been following will result in eternal Salvation and Glory... well, it was a damned comfortable tunnel, let's just leave it at that.
But was it all bad? Absolutely not. The issues and concerns in this tunnel are, at the end of the day, important things that must be addressed in the cause of exploring the notion of Asian identity. The focus and obsession of being in this tunnel has made me sharp as a knife - in the arena of combat in regards to these issues, no one can beat me, I'm confident I will always be able to FINISH HIM! in Mortal Kombatese.
But the fact remains that I feel pretty good now that I'm out of this tunnel. Whereas seeing the multitude of Dairy Queens in my area used to piss me off and generate force and aggression in me, now... well, it still pisses me off, but I'm actually able to shrug it off. Be philosophical about it sometimes, jokey about it other, even viciously funny about it if I'm around the right people. It's not too bad - not everything has to be psychotically-detailed analysis (and I've got tomes of it archived to revisit in the future, thanks to 44.)
It feels pretty good. Pretty darned good. To be able to enjoy life without being so goddamned constrained by the socio-ethno chains of love. Not sure if I can stay completetly free of those chains - every day, something on TV comes up that pisses me off. But I'ma gonna try. At least for a little while.
And now, I'm presented with a choice. I can either climb back in, continue with a path that I am convinced is right and just, and go down like a captain with his ship - in flames, knowing that the force and aggression and obsession is, in fact, for a cause that is right and just.
Or I can relax a bit, walk around, purchase a good flashlight, and revisit that tunnel as an explorer... maybe in a few months, a year, a few years. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Race.
I choose option 2.
Does that mean I'm out of 44? Nope. Everyone has dark days - if and when I do, I'll vent here because I know I can and I know that there's a reasonably sympathetic and highly intelligent base of people here who get it, who know the darkness is not within me, that I am not the source... it was just the path that I fell into. A good friend said that in order to really become a full person, we must embrace the darkness - not become obsessed with it, nor run away from it, but really accept it as a valuable part of yourself. For me, I've come to realize that you can't embrace it if it is all around you.
I guess the choice I'm making... it's not for everyone, I suppose. As I've said so many times before, we all have our own path to follow, and if this is a time in your life that you want to ride the darkness, more power to you, I know where you're coming from, and I will do my darndest to support you, and gently prod you so you don't hit the concrete median and spin out of control, taking several cars and a tanker truck out with you and become so much socio-ethno roadkill in the merciless highway interchange that is life.
In any case, I'm glad I've found a place - right here, 44 - where I can voice such a pronouncement - not because I want the props, or the ego massage of replies and responses, but because I've seen so much of what you've all had to say, and most of it is so fucking good and heartening and varied and I think you'd understand and appreciate where it's coming from and it makes me so goddamned proud to be part of something that could make such a huge difference for us in the future.
44 fo life, yo.