fears and hopes for the future

[B the student]

tonight is my little brother's birthday. He is 5 (kinda ashamed i had to ask him b/c i wasn't sure). he loves spider-man and got all sorts of spider-man related gifts (and non-spidey gifts too). I got him a handheld game, spidey t-shirt and tattoos. And before he goes to bed I'm going to give him a spidey wrist band (i got one for myself too, except mines the black costume colors not original costume colors). He's basically your average little spoiled brat. But I love him.

but there's something that worries me. He's half persian, and so is my youngest sister (I'm not. me and my other sister have different fathers but it's all love). What worries me is their future. With this war over in Iraq and perhaps in the future Iran (where my step-dad is from), I'm worried about what they may have to face. I remember when the war in Afghanistan was going, they were doing some sort of fund raiser in my high school. One of the un-official slogans was something like "donate a dollar, kill an A-rab". First off, that's horrible (and hypocritical especially considering I went to a Catholic school that claimed to make gentlemen. my ass). Second, wrong fucking people you ignorant racist fuck. I remember being somewhat hurt by this comment and by the lack of concern for the loss of life (i felt more Christian than some of the Christians and I'm non-religious).

What worries me is how are my siblings going to take it if they have to deal with that? With something maybe (but hopefully not) worse? I don't want my little brother or sister to be picked on, to be called a terrorist or an "A-rab". My family does try to make my siblings somewhat aware of their persian roots but what happens when they are forced to choose to stand up for those roots, keep quiet or "sell out"? My little sister goes to a catholic school (a decision i don't support but understand) and maybe my little brother will be going too. The problem i have with Catholic schools in my area (besides the religious aspects) is the lack of diversity. Not that I had any real issues with racism at my school (i showed love and got love from my school chums), i just guess i got sick of the rich ignorant white boy conformity. I had this sense that I didn't belong (although there are a lot of issues dealing with that feeling. I'm actually still investigating whether my lack of racial identity had anything to do with it. I have feeling it didn't but it's something i'll explore.)

I'm just scared that they'll have it so much more worse than me. Hell I find myself hoping that they'll pass for white like i did to avoid the whole racial issue. But i have a bad feeling that isn't the case. I've noticed recently that I've been harder on the boy, i guess trying to toughen him up so if anyone will be doing the bullying it'll be him. But he can be such a sweet kid that I'd hate to see him become an asshole. And I challenge my little sister on her stereotypical girly things b/c i want her to be aware of alternative views and i don't want her to turn into some materialistic shallow gurly.

I just want them to have a nice, normal, good life. But if there's anything I know is that there's no such thing as normal. But some do have it easier than others, and I want them to have it as easy as they can get. I know I'm being somewhat overprotective (the challenges and mistakes i have faced and made have made me who i am) but I just don't want them to end up hurt or worse.

I'm no longer sure what the purpose of this post is. I wanted to try to write some positive/productive shit seeing how I've been somewhat destructive recently. I guess I was trying to say that this place gives me hope. It gives me hope that there are people who have made it through the racial struggle in one piece. It gives me hope that maybe racism won't be so harmful in the future. It gives me hope that I'll learn something that will help me make things better for myself, for the people I love and care about, and maybe even for the world in general. Yeah I guess that was my attempt at trying to twist this into a positive thread.

Anyway, i thought i'd let you in on one of the many reasons I like it here. Now it's time for me to eat so i can put on one of those tattoos for my little bro.

If you read all this, thanks. Much love to you, and much love to you who just skimmed down here to the bottom too.

~B the student

[Blue11_96]

Excellent post... B...

I was raised by my grandmother back in Hong Kong, in an environment full of caring, if not over-protective women. I attended a co-ed private school ran by nuns. Growing up, I was a classic sensitive, somewhat nerdy kid.

When I was 9, my grandma suddenly enrolled my brother and I in an all-boys Catholic school. On the second day, some bully took my snack from my backpack, and I went crying to the principal. The principal laughed at me for crying and did nothing. I remember whining to the principal about calling grandma, and he did, but, she did nothing. She told him to put me back in class.

I remember parading through the rest of the day with red eyes and sniffles. All the other boys either stared at me or giggled with their friends. I can still hear their stifled laughs right now, over 20 years after the fact.

When I got home, I remember running to grandma and demanded to know why she didn't pick me up from school. Grandma's words still ring true today... "Boys Don't Cry".

A year later, with 3 day notice, I was told to pack up and get in a plane to come to America. I spent the first 6 months in West Texas, a rough and tumble place where fights occurred daily. While I lost my share of teeth, and got suspended from school several times, I learned the importance of fighting back, to establish boundaries, and mental toughness.

It may be difficult to be tough with the kid right now; he will thank you later.

[Dialectic]

Hey B, I just read this post. Thanks for sharing so much with us, man.

Please, if you have any specific issues you'd like to discuss about how you treat your little siblings and what they're going through, post them and we'll see if we can't clarify matters in a healthy way.

[cattygurl]

Well, I remember going through a lot of tease and torment from my peers throughout my k-10 education (I graduated 2 yrs early). As a kid, I hated life, but as an adult, I wouldn't chage a damned thing. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

As a female, on several occasions, I still had to fight back physically to gain respect. I learned to fight smart, not fight hard. Now, I wouldn't suggest to anyone what I did to gain protection from bullies, but if anything, tell your brothers and sisters to stay strong, and be a leader, not a follower. Often, feeling like you "don't belong" can be a very important step in learning to think for yourself and learning to think outside the box. The important thing you can do is show a lot of love and support. If they're in the wrong, show them that strength lies in the ability to admit to one's mistakes, and if they're in the right, then show them that they need to stand strong and stand firm for what they believe in.

[Kuroyama]

B

Peeps that are in "The Majority" will always try to denigrate and oppress those in "The Minority". This unfortunate fact of human existence extends across color lines, gender lines, cultural and geographic boundaries.

The best one can do is set a living example to your bro. Your brother needs to develop a strong sense of self and self respect. This will give him the strength to deal with those that would fight against him, and the heart to acknowledge those that would ally themselves with him, and hopefully the wisdom to know the difference.

[rainshowerz]

Another important thing to do is for you and your family to provide a "safe haven" for your siblings, so even if there's nothing you can do to toughen them up for the real world, and if they'll always get picked on, they know that they have a family to come home to who'll make them feel better.

I have an 11-year-old baby brother, and for a time, he was also being picked on by bullies, and we tried everything from teaching my brother how to fight back to speaking with the principal to discreetly handle the situation, but nothing worked. The only thing we could do was be there for him when he was having a bad day, and pack his weekends full of activities he liked doing. So even when he was having a bad day, he couldn't wait to go home and hang out with the neighborhoor's kids or spend the weekend with his cousins or going to amusement parks/malls/etc., with his big sister. This took his mind off whatever he felt during the weekdays.

I also tried toughening him up, but I'd end up being too harsh on him (out of frustration), and eventually, I realized that he'll learn on his own, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can only be a good, supportive, and fun older sister that he likes hanging out with and can confide with. He won't see me as that if I'm constantly judging him as needing to be better by trying to toughen him up.

[B the student]

thanks everybody for the support. I don't have the heart to toughen him up. The boy's just too sweet a kid for me to be doing that. So far neither he or my sister have been having any bullying issues. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the day never comes. But I realize, as cattygurl pointed out, that it is the struggle of our lives that helps make us who we are. And if the day should come, I want to be there for them and help them deal with it.

Blue11_96: I'll keep your advice in the back of my mind for now. he hasn't had any significant problems that would require me to encourage him to toughen it out, and i don't think i want him to think he always has to fight to stand up for himself. I guess it will depend on the situation. Thanks for sharing your experience, and like i said if it comes down to it I'll consider what you've said.

Dialectic: thanks for extending a hand of help. although things are going smooth for now, if anything comes up that i may have difficulty assessing or just need advice, the 44s is definitely a place I'll hit up for some help. We have got a lot of smart, experienced people on here whose views I respect.

cattygurl:i totally understand what you're saying. i had my rough times growing up, but i wouldn't change any of it either. just the whole "wanting the best" thing I guess. Thanks for the advice.

Kuroyama: yeah, i agree that i have to be a great role model for him. although he's not at a stage in his life where he's able to develop a strong sense of self, i hope to be good influence on him by encouraging him to stand up for himself and to make good choices. But thanks for the wise words.

rainshowerz: thank you so much. you're post put everything in perspecitve for me. one of my fears about trying to be tough on brother is that he'll end up hating me for it. you're right he has to find his own, all I can do is be there for him. I'm so down for providing good times to ease his mind, hell i'm down for good times just for having good times. But now I at least have a tool to use to help him if he ever is having troubles in his life. thanks again.

[B the student]

well a disturbing little development occured today. i discovered what i'm guessing to be a happy meal toy in my room the other day, and figured my little sister or brother left it in my room by accident. it's a figurine of a little indian (not native american) boy dressed in mickey mouse gear. well my lil sis comes in to my room while i'm scoping the forum out and has the toy in her hand. She says "i'm giving this to you because i don't want it." I was like i don't want that why are you giving it to me? and she says something like it's dumb and ugly and I start laughing b/c yeah it's really not that cool of a toy, when right then she drops "because it's brown". it took a few seconds before it hit me what she said, and then i proceeded to take the next ten minutes to try and convince her that the dude was not a bad looking fella and just as good as any white boy. the toy is now residing in her room semi hding behind some pony because "she doesn't like his pants". i don't know if i'm over reacting or what, but to make matters worse while i decide to post this she tells me she wants to go on my computer to play with the lil white dude (AOL AIM dude thingy) and i'm like what do you mean white? and she was like "oops i mean yellow". i don't know but i'm definitely getting a bad feeling about this.

[Dialectic]

With regard to the toy, I think you did a good job explaining what was up. I mean, depending on how old she is, you can tell her that it's okay to not like it 'cause it's a crappy toy; other than that, it was a good thing saying that Brown is as good-looking as White.

As for the AOL thing, I have no idea what that is.

[da Tao]

Hello B,

When my bro was five we lived in a pretty homogeneous neighbourhood - so I can't relate anything that is a carbon copy of your scenario.

I can't tell how much of what you wrote is verbatim or paraphrase - but you said "i proceeded to take the next ten minutes to try and convince her that the dude was not a bad looking fella and just as good as any white boy".

I am wondering if you and/or your sister explicitly mentioned the ethnicity? (You can surely see how this changes things.)

I too think that it is a good thing that you did with the toy. But depending on how you did your ten minute talk (too many parameters like what is your general relationship like, what is your body langauge, etc.) - your sister MIGHT feel guilty and not sure why.

I mean you can interpret it in many ways... take the pants comment. The best case is that you convinced her that brown is as good as any other colour, and that she honestly didn't like his pants. The worse case is that she is afraid to discuss her perference with you, which means having a dialogue over the topic will be more difficult.

I think some AOL icons are white... or were white for sometime. I am not sure.

The thing is B, simply take it as a sign. Not a bad sign, but more like a note of interest. If situation permits, maybe a stroll to the local playground with her... get a sense of what she think of her peers. (maybe ask about the kids in her class, who she hangs out with and what she likes.) The thing is that kids can sense evasion quite well, so you really have to be in a state of mind where you can ask and not be judgemental on the answers. But you seem to have an open mind so that's half the battle. Whatever she says it sure will take some time to digest... so don't worry about it - just take concrete actions.

[B the student]

thanks D and da Tao. i didn't flip out or something like that. just tried to pry into why she would say that. I don't think she's old enough to grasp racism, so i wasn't about to get into that. I just wanted to make it clear that any person, regardless of color, has coolness potential, and the boy being brown should not factor into her decision whether it's a cool toy or not.

and the AOL thing was just a coincidence cuz i was wondering at the time if she was starting on the path of whitewashing. the AOL dude is clearly yellow on my computer, but maybe she's used to a white one. i don't know. but nah, i don't think she'll feel guilty about it considering we concluded the session with a good laugh at trying to take off the stupid mickey ears on his head.

and unfortunately, i know exactly what environment she's in, and it's a mostly rich, white environment. but like da Tao said, i'm definitely going to keep tabs on her and try to remain as approchable as possible.