As Heaven is Wide
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If flesh could crawl
My skin would fall from
Off my bones and
Run away from here
– Garbage, As Heaven Is Wide.
“Hey, wanna come over and just hang out?” his voice rumbles in her ear, gently teasing.
She giggles and responds quickly, “Sure, I’d love to. I’ve got nothing to do here anyway.”
As she hangs up the phone, she wonders if she should have played it cooler, played it a little more carefully, so that he wouldn’t think her easy. Oh, well, what’s done is done, at least I’ve somewhere to go this Friday night. Maybe I’m not such a loser anymore. She laughs in delight.
Half an hour later, she meets him at the door of his house, and smiles as he stretches out his arms to hug her. He’s shorter, but she can feel the coiled strength of his body as he pulls her closer to him. It feels nice to be loved (or just touched, she thinks wryly), even though she’s only known him for a few months now.
She catches a few curious glimpses of the décor as he leads her through the house into his bedroom, amiably telling her, “The other boys are out tonight, and won’t be back till much later. I got some movies that you might like, or if you feel like it, we could go somewhere later. Go ahead and sit on the bed. We ain’t got no chairs in here anyway.”
As she enters the bedroom, she feels her spine tingle uneasily; irritated with herself, she brushes the feeling away. I’m eighteen now, I’m a big girl, I CAN take care of myself. Besides, there are other houses nearby; if I scream, they’ll be able to hear me.
She looks up at him as she gingerly positions herself on the edge of the queen-sized bed. “This is a pretty big bed for one guy to sleep in,” she nervously jokes, trying to act though it were a normal, everyday occurrence for her to be in a boy’s bedroom, to sit on his bed, to make quasi-flirtatious remarks as he winks down at her.
“Hey, you want something to drink? We’ve got beer, Pepsi, orange juice, and mineral water. I think.” His forehead creases as he asks.
“Water’s fine,” she replies, trying to relax her limbs into a position that won’t seem awkward and betray her anxiety. Damn, I shouldn’t have worn this skirt, it’s too long. At least he offered water, that way I can watch what I’m drinking.
She doesn’t manage to find a comfortable seating position by the time he comes back, and glares at him while he stifles a smile. “That’s not funny, you try sitting in a pencil skirt without letting it ride up!” God, this is embarrassing! Of all the times for me to look like a fool!
He smiles again, a slow, gentle one that lights up his face and soothingly murmurs as he places the bottles on the floor, “You can lounge on the bed, I don’t mind. Besides, you have nice legs,” he adds with a roguish smirk.
“Oh! thank you!” she stammers as he gets on the bed without touching her.
He laughs as he reaches over to caress her buttocks. “You have a great ass too.”
And then he pounces.
His kiss is brutal, his teeth biting into her lower lip as she freezes in shock. But I’m a good girl, I didn’t lead you on! Why are you doing this to me? He pins her slender wrists above her head with one strong hand (he’s so strong) while the other tears at her blouse. Is this how sex is, between men and women? Do we always have to fight?
He grinds his crotch against hers, and growls in frustration when he realizes that her pencil skirt refuses to give way to his grasp. No, I can’t! No! No! NO!
Just as he releases her wrists to pull off the rest of her clothes, she flails wildly and manages to kick him in the crotch. He rolls off her aching body, spitting curses as she quickly gathers her belongings. Running out into the night, she hails a taxi and sits numbly as she wonders where she went wrong.
Later, just before she takes her nightly shower, she looks into her mirror and dispassionately notes the purpling bruises on her lower lip, her wrists and her legs. It will take a week for them to heal. She looks at her own haunted eyes and silently mouths, I will not be weak anymore. I will not be stupid anymore. From now on, I’m the one in control.
As she turns away from the mirror, a stray thought escapes. So much for my first kiss.
The very next week, she gets her first navel piercing.
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