Kunoichi Kanai: My Ninja Wife
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Throughout our childhood and adolescence, I’m sure at least once, we all started to form a basic idea of what kind of person we wanted to marry later in life. Maybe you wanted to marry a man like that neighbor boy you played with as a small child; or possibly a woman like that shy girl who sat across from you in 2nd grade. I was different.
When given the opportunity to dream, I chose to dream big. I didn’t want someone to vaguely fit the description of a person I once knew, nor did I want someone that molded their physical and personal characteristics to a 4-word adjective phrase. I wanted someone with very specific qualities. Someone that met my wildest expectations in my fantasies late at night when no one was looking.
At the time, and to this day, I’ve had this fetish for stereotypical, native Japanese girls. With a sickeningly cute high-pitched voice, love for the same dorky things as myself, and their seemingly endless stream of happiness, I was totally mesmerized. Presently, I still seek a stereotypical Japanese girl, yet, it still doesn’t feel like enough.
You see, when I was around the same age, I loved ninjas. Seriously. How could someone not like Ninjas? They are the official epitome of the word badass. Slitting throats, throwing shurikens, infiltrating complexes, that sounded like such a promising career at the time. I learned the ways of the ninja through videogames such as Ninja Gaiden and Shinobi. In addition, I trained every day, only to have my dreams shattered by my mother, who told me that there was not a ninja village for miles and miles. She said that I could not make the commute by myself either. I cried myself to sleep for a week. I had lost hope for myself, but I was still determined to meet a ninja personally.
I fell in love with both Japanese girls and ninjas, so it was only natural for me to want both of those qualities in my prospective wife. Think about it. A ninja wife. Ninja. Wife. Kunoichi. Love was never previously this awesome.
With beauty that’s truly unparalleled, it won’t be hard to look at my wife. Not in the least. Here, let’s take a deeper look.
You see, they all share the same basic qualities. Beautiful, silky, shiny hair; stunning nails, petite frame, large, but firm and symmetrical breasts; and the cute, wide eyes filled with an aura of death. Their sense of fashion is amazing, as they take the best of everything and make it skimpier. The skin-baring silk makes me squeal with joy just thinking about it. In addition to all of this, they just look so beautiful while they’re at work. When their hair gets mangled and they’re covered in blood, it’s by far the most attractive sight I could ever witness. But it’s not as hot as when I get to wash it off. Score. Best of all, they sleep naked.
But enough about physical characteristics, there’s more to a successful marriage than just that. The greatest quality of our marriage would be the fact that we’d actually have similar interests and hobbies. I mean after a long day of assassinating and infiltrating, I’d want to settle down, and do stereotypical Japanese things too. With my wife I’d arrange flowers, practice calligraphy, play DDR, sing Karaoke to one of my Ayumi Hamasaki DVDs, and take digital pictures with each other’s cell phones. It’d be a damn grand time.
The unusual thing about our marriage would be that our traditional duties of a household would be reversed. She, indeed, would be the provider. As for me, I’d stay at home to cook, clean, and take care of our half-Korean/Half-ninja children. I mean, I’d have to, if my wife was out there kickin’ ass, and I was at some boring-assed office job, our children would have to be “latchkey kids”. I wouldn’t want that; it’d turn our kids soft. I want to raise them with the same amount of respect and discipline my parents did. Shit, they’re probably going to be made fun of for being hapas, so I want them to be ready for that too.
I know our bond will be the most faithful and sacred a marriage that could possibly be. It would be so faithful in fact, that if she even had the slightest temptation to be with another man, she’d have to commit seppuku . After that, I’d mourn, then proceed to eat her organs to conceal the secrets of her village. I don’t want any rival clans trying to fuck with me.
Hmm, and as for how our children will turn out, I don’t want them to become a doctor or engineer. Shit, I’d want them to follow in their mother’s footsteps. They’d be sent to a secret ninja village to be trained, dreaming to one day become hokage , and busting the asses of submissive little villages. Then when they’re makin’ it big in the ninja world, they would share their wealth with me, and make little grandninjas for me to spoil. The future indeed looks bright.
I may be 13 now, but I can definitely feel this. Excitement is surging through me, and I’m loving every moment. Damn, I can’t wait until I move on to college. I’ll be sure to meet one there. I imagine she’ll look something like this.
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