Can’t We All Just Get Along?
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When I first decided to write my Ode to Smart, Strong and Sexy Asian American Men, I did not imagine it would receive as much attention as it did. Just goes to show how deprived we all are of those kinds of images and tributes to AAMs. Since its first publication here on my Xanga, it has actually been taken out of context. My reason for composing the Ode was simple: there are not enough (what is traditionally considered) sexy images of Asian American men out there to counter the ones that have invariably been catapulted into the spotlight (i.e. the nerd, the villain). The Ode, then, was a verbal portrait of the kind of Asian American men you can’t find in the American media, my homage to the hidden strength and my not-so-private rebellion against the oppressive tyranny of the media as an ideological tool, meant to counter the already-prevalent images of the aforementioned men. I hoped to give a few props, and to educate those who had never been exposed to such images (though they were only verbal) if only via link love.
If you want to call it ego-stroking, go ahead. In some sense, it is, but only in the same way that any compliment might be construed as such. In all honesty, the overwhelmingly positive response to the Ode from Asian American men only reaffirms my belief that Asian American men are being woefully deprived of their hard-earned and well-deserved compliments. Yeah, it’s been dramatized. Yeah, I objectified the guys. Yeah, I bought into hegemonic ideals of masculinity and reinforced them. So what? Asian American men needn’t be treated any differently than men of any other background. What we don’t need is a single type of Asian guy in the media. What we do need is a representation of the full gamut of Asian and Asian American personalities: the good (grade for Western media: D+), the bad (grade: A), and the ugly (grade: A).
But one of the most disturbing things that I’ve come across since writing and publishing the Ode is a certain line of commentary hating on Asian American females, and it’s seriously pissing me off. It seems to be a trend amongst angry AAMs, to point fingers at their sisters and berate them for failing to stick up for AAMs, or for, heaven forbid, dating non-AAMs. AAMs toss around words like “sellout” without bothering to look beyond the simple fact that an AAF is with a non-AAM. Come on, now. How are you gonna make a snap judgment on a sister without knowing her story? How are you gonna say she doesn’t have love for her own kind, that she thinks she’s too good for her own kind, that she’s a sellout? Would you say that about me if I dated some non-Asian guy? I should fucking hope not. Because I have. And I refuse to rule out the possibility that I may do so again. That doesn’t mean I don’t love AAMs. I do, I do, I do… but if loving AAMs means having to be racist against all non-AAMs, then fuck that shit. I don’t wanna date anyone that closed-minded. The lesson here is this: if you happen to see/ meet an AAF who is flirting with/ married to/ dating a non-AAM and you don’t know her story, hold off on your judgment until you do. Then judge all you want, but even then, don’t let the insecurities the media have forced you to internalize get in the way of fair judgment. She may very well be a hater, but it’s also possible that she just refuses to be racist.
Now, this is not to say that no AAFs are “sellouts.” (Gawd, I hate that word.) There certainly are some AAFs who discriminate on AAMs. I don’t like them, either. I don’t condone racism on any level, from anyone against anyone. It’s a tragic thing, this split between AAFs and AAMs. How the hell do you expect us to get anywhere with everyone fighting each other internally? Where is the frickin’ love?!?!?! There are also some AAFs who have unknowingly bought into the bullshit that the media feeds them about what a “real man” is or ought to be. We hold them to a higher standard because they are AA, they should know better, right? Eh. Maybe. But we’re fretting over one little bush when the whole damn forest is on fire. The bigger problem is with American society and its media portrayals of minorities and how those portrayals shape our own perceptions of ourselves and others, whether consciously or not. We are not solving the problem by focusing our animosity on the ignorant, just because the ignorant look like us. Think bigger.
What do you gain by cursing out a member of the opposite sex? Nothing. I highly doubt that getting cursed out is the best motivation for working together towards change. There is strength in numbers, all. APA men and APA women need to work together if we ever want to make a difference. We need not pit ourselves against one another. If you run across ignorance, especially if it’s unintentional (meaning they just don’t know any better, which is different from a conscious decision to say/ do something racist), be mature. It’s good to argue, but be able to back it up with solid information and remember to try and be respectful. We don’t need to sink down to the same level as bigots in order to get our point across. Be angry. It’s healthy. But don’t be so angry that it cripples you or the goals you are striving to achieve. We all want a better world, a more equal world, for APA men and APA women. Can’t we get there without pushing each other down, shoving each other out of the way? In the words of Martin Lawrence: can’t we all just get along?
Now where’s that Ode to us, your smart, strong and sexy Asian American women?
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